


Mémoire de la Veuve

by ccauchemar



Series: Espoir [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: All trauma is past tense, All triggering content is forewarned, Allusions to domestic violence, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociative PTSD, Experimental Format, F/F, Gen, Graphic Descriptions of Torture, Graphic descriptions of abuse, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Multiplicity/Plurality, Recovery from psychological abuse, allusions to rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-08-15 17:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 100
Words: 22,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8066374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ccauchemar/pseuds/ccauchemar
Summary: [BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]Lena doesn't know I'm recording these video journals. Since Talon fell there has been a lot of time to… think.
--
A story of recovery.





	1. Transcript 1

**Author's Note:**

> Work may contain triggering and/or distressing content (graphic descriptions of **torture, violence, mental/emotional/psychological abuse, and allusions to rape** ). Applicable chapters will be prefaced with warnings. Nonetheless, exercise caution, as this work does, occasionally, get VERY GRAPHIC.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2043 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]  
Lena doesn't know I'm recording these video journals. Since Talon fell there has been a lot of time to… think. I pray that they will offer me closure of some kind…

…

I keep thinking about Gérard. So much would not have happened if not for him.

…I’ll have to talk about him eventually.

…

 

…

 

Ugh, I’m doing this later.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	2. Transcript 2

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2017 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Right… Hmm. Overwatch. Let me think…

…

Well. I cannot really talk about Overwatch without talking about Gérard…

…

I can’t do this. I can’t.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	3. Transcript 3

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0312 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I can’t sleep. I need to talk about something. Anything. Reyes. I’ll talk about Reyes, yes. That’s an easy place to start…

Ahh. We were the powerhouse of Talon. They had both well-trained AND poorly-trained grunts, footmen, whatever you call them… But oh, we were the ones who were REALLY feared.

He, an undead wraith, nothing but wrath… And I, a perfect assassin? A perfect tool… I AM a tool. A possession. A well-trained object.

…Lena’s asleep. There’s no way I could say that in front of her…

Oh, but you know, there really IS nothing more satisfying than a kill. When they forcibly rewire the neural pathways in your brain, when they bypass and hijack your limbic system, you tend to latch onto anything. Adrenaline. Dopamine. Short bursts, allowed into your bloodstream when you do the right thing. When you complete a mission.

Having no emotions… Ahh, it is… wonderful. You don’t feel happy, no, but you don’t feel sad. You don’t feel regret. Or remorse. You can do anything, because you just… don’t care. You can leap across rooftops under moonlight without a fear of falling, because you cannot feel fear. You can break and batter someone who dared to lay a finger on you, because you did not give them permission to touch you. You can kill your –

…

Causing pain becomes fun. There’s nothing fun about seeing people happy when you cannot empathize… not really. But seeing someone beg for mercy? Beg for air, beg for a mercy kill? To let them bleed out? I have something they don’t have – Control over their life, in that moment. I am in control.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	4. Transcript 4

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2134 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

When I met Gérard, he worked at Talon.

…I know. He worked with Talon. They presented themselves as a reputable organisation, of course. They were a military-based organisation, focussed on information gathering and… other things. He told me all about his work, how it was a good thing for the world. I fell in love with him, he introduced me to Talon… We started working together…

Why wouldn’t I have? I was easily impressionable, and he was so charming…

I…

…I…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	5. Transcript 5

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2146 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I feel better now… Where was I?

When Overwatch was formed, Gérard took an interest in their work. He did his research, we did our research. Reading. Learning. Cross-referencing our work and theirs. You know, information gathering.

A lot of things were different, between the two organisations. He decided to defect, and I followed him. He worked as a double agent. I worked with him. It was perfect. Nobody at Talon knew. Just us… He was the clever one, and I was essentially his assistant...

…

For fuck’s sake. What’s wrong with me. I can't think.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	6. Transcript 6

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0109 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Now that I remember, I’ll talk about Reyes. It’s easier.

Reyes and I bitched about Talon a lot. Oh, you wouldn’t be able to tell from the outside. But we were… close. As close as we could get, when we were kept under the thumb of a major manipulative organisation.

We would sit together in the halls, or he would watch me while I trained. Sitting, possibly analysing the way I was moving, possibly staring at absolutely nothing and trying to look dangerous. He would bitch about higher-ups when we were alone. We both would.

He was allowed more freedom than I was. He could leave the base. I wasn’t allowed to, except on missions. I filled the hours with repetitive tasks, training, and staring blankly at walls. I asked him to tell me about his time outside the base a lot. It wasn’t, generally, that exciting. But it was better than blank walls. Sitting. Waiting to be called for a mission or conditioning checks. Those were a few times a week, with a major session once a week. I’d go in for a few hours, and come out feeling better than ever.

Maybe I’d even do a few rounds in the practice range, with the bots… Or, if I’d been particularly good with my orders, the silly grunts who’d failed to follow theirs. Those were always the most fun… Sometimes I’d shoot them in the foot, or the knee, so I could watch them bleed out and scream. Toying with them. Mhmhm… As always, a clean shot through the head was my best technique, but learning to hit flailing limbs, and how to draw the most ardent screams – that’s what really entertained me. Ahh, the slow, spreading blooms of red…

Reyes would come in and take their life force, and absorb their flesh and bones into his body to keep his nanobot swarms going. It was a good symbiosis we had. I liked the kills to be truly mine, but he liked his vampiric meals warm, no matter how slow the heartbeat. We compromised. We made a good team.

…

I have to go.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	7. Transcript 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May contain triggering content.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1009 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I didn’t get a chance to keep talking. But now, I’m free for a few minutes.

Reyes… was more of a hired gun than a tool like me. Of course, Talon was Talon, and they tried to manipulate him anyway. What they did with me was blunt. Blunt, and extreme. What they did with him was subtler. Subtle manipulation. Chemicals in the drugs they gave him, the painkillers strong enough to lessen the impact of his condition. He, having spent so long in Blackwatch, could tell when they were trying to talk him down and corner him with contracts, so Talon got to him through the one thing he was dependent on.

…They were good like that…

…

Ahhh…

I miss reconditioning…

It hurt, at first, but they made sure I loved it… Neural impulses… Lovely, gentle, warm ones, to cover up the harsh ones…

…

The reconditioning process was quite the procedure. Talon had been studying neuroscience, and how to emulate them in certain subjects. The first session was the longest. They mapped my brain first, and that was most easily done through pain. Harsh electric shocks, and tracking how and what my brain did. Then they copied the signals.

Then they sent in their own ones, identical to what my brain would have made.

Neuroplasticity is fascinating. Habits are formed through repeated thought. Your neurons adjust to the most-used paths, strengthening them. Thus, memory is formed, and habits fall into place. Everything from actions to thought patterns.

Every time I thought “I don’t want this”, they would fire a harsh “yes” command to override it, instantaneously. I don’t want this, poor little Amélie sobbed, her own mind betraying her, pulse by pulse, thought by thought. Couldn’t move. Trapped in place. Gérard had lied about this new “therapy” she would love. Her every thought being changed behind her eyes. I don’t want this, I don’t want this, she cried. Thoughts mixing despite herself. I DO want this. I do want this. Yes, I do. Yes. I absolutely do. I want to stay in reconditioning. I do want to work with Talon. I want to do what I’m told. I want to stop feeling. I want to feel less. I want to feel nothing. I want to go back to Talon.

I. I want to go back to Talon.

...

What’s wrong with me-–

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	8. Transcript 8

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1304 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I had a day to myself, and watched the other journals. They are horrible, but what can I do. I’m keeping them. I don’t know if I can repeat myself.

…

I mentioned Gérard without meaning to. He – how do I explain this…

Gérard kept in touch with Talon after defecting to Overwatch. He still worked for them. Eventually, word leaked of his defection. He kept a perfect façade through it all; he began feeding information back to Talon, while funnelling information about Talon to Overwatch. A triple agent. Clever, unstoppable. He just liked Overwatch's goals more.

Wherever he needed a sweet smile and a charming face, I was there. Malleable enough to do what I was asked, gorgeous enough to sway people’s minds. I’d do anything he wanted… He was such a charmer… He was. Beautiful. Wonderful. I did anything for him. All he had to do was ask. And, maybe, convince me if I was unsure. He always knew what was… best, for me. I just had to trust his superior judgement. Trust his knowledge… Trust his intuition…

I need to stop. God. What am I doing. Wasting my t—

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	9. Transcript 9

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1330 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I almost want to tell Lena about these.

I’m not making much… progress. I haven’t explained very much at all. But I don’t want her to know about this. And what I did. What happened to me. I don’t want to put her through that.

Even at Overwatch, all that time ago… Gérard never let me talk to her, of course. He said she was bad for me. But she was a ray of sunshine in an already sunny place. I couldn’t help talking to her whenever I could.

Oh, there was – there was one time she DID sneak me off. Gérard was talking to someone, and I was standing just behind him, bored, and zoned out. Then Lena waved from a distance. “Psst, Amélie, come over here!” she called.

Ahaha.

I looked at Gérard, immersed in his angry conversation, and I thought to myself… What can he really do? So I followed her.

She ran through the base very quickly. I only saw her for a moment or two before she turned corners. She led me to her room, in the end, but I hadn’t been to this part of the base, so she was my only guide.

When I got there… Aha… When I got there, she’d put on some music. Bouncy, jazzy. She asked me to dance.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stood there. She started dancing anyway. Enthusiastic, lots of flailing arms and swinging with the music. She told me – “Come on, Amélie, take a breather, let’s have fun”. She was giggling. _So_ much.

…I eventually did. Dance, I mean. Her enthusiasm was infectious, how could I not? I did some… awkward shuffling… She took my hands and pulled me into it.

Ahh…

I was so awkward about it. She didn’t seem to care, dancing like the music was flowing through her whole body. And she smiled, it was like nothing could have brought her down… I finally relaxed enough to try copying her a little. Swinging my arms gently. Stepping my feet. She encouraged me as if I was dancing as much as she was. I couldn’t help laughing… She was beautiful…

I… I can’t remember what stopped us. I think Gérard found me. I just remember the dancing, like a snapshot. Her shirt was faded orange, and she was wearing industrial orange high-top sneakers.

…

She always had a habit of… cutting through everything around me, impossible to ignore as she was.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	10. Transcript 10

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1932 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I want to talk more about Lena now. But if I talk more about her, and us after our respective accidents, I will have to talk about Overwatch again. About Gérard, more.

…

Reyes was. Dangerous. He and I, he would disable the security cameras, or feed them a loop, and we would sit in quiet halls. He had a quiet countenance, when he wasn’t trying to look as dangerous as possible. When we bitched about Talon, he would get out nail polish, and paint my nails. I would paint his, too. Long claws, coated uniformly in sleek, shiny, black polish. It gave us something to do with our hands. To stop them from shaking, sometimes, but mostly to… mm. I don’t know why, but it helped. He made sure the claws on his gloves had enough room to keep them safe; being able to gouge eyes out was a perk.

He would paint my nails on stakeouts, too. When there was nothing else to do. Waiting for hours, days on end. It became a repetitive thing we did together, when there was nothing better to do. Which wasn’t often. We didn’t “hang out”.

…

Mmm.

It seems I’ve run out of words for now… I can’t think of anything more exciting to say. When I’m inspired, I’ll say more.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	11. Transcript 11

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2309 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I can’t sleep. Fuck. Damn it all. I keep thinking about my first days at Talon. How angry I was, and how they used my rage to fuel my actions. Orchestrated, all of it. They played me. Used me against myself until I – until I couldn’t – FUCK! No I DON’T – [UNINTELLIGIBLE, LOUD]

…

…Now. Where was I?

…

…Lena’s awake.

 [END TRANSCRIPT]


	12. Transcript 12

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0914 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

My visor was always a comforting presence on my head. The pressure on my temples and behind my ears kept me focussed on the task at hand. Sometimes, at the start, I would get headaches. I reported this, and they adjusted me. It didn’t hurt after that. It just felt snug, like it was supposed to be there. A comforting presence. It felt better when it was active… Covering my eyes, a comforting weight, honing my vision beyond what this pitiful flesh and blood body could muster alone. I knew every scratch, every dent – though of course those were few. I took _care_ of my equipment. Polishing the lenses, checking in regularly to ensure the circuitry was in top condition. The infra-sight…

I used it often. My blinders on, my concentration honed to a deadly point. I could see everything. Nothing could hide. I was there… Taking aim… Watching fresh kills crumple in on themselves… And oh, the horror if someone saw…

The vicious, _rushing_ adrenaline, it felt _so_ good. Flooding my body, making my heart flutter – as much as a one beat per two minutes heart can flutter. Hitching, and making an extra, disgusting pump. Pushing more blood through my veins. My senses would sharpen, all at once, and oh, it _was_ like feeling alive again.

I wish I could go back to it…

It felt _oh_ so good… So satisfying…

Mmm…

The feeling of Widow’s Kiss in my hands, cold and reassuring… She was the extension of my will, the other half of what I was… I was the thing that knew how to pull the trigger. How to aim. More supple than an omnic, more easily trained and used and versatile. My Kiss was as much a part of who I was as my own name… I knew every bolt, every washer, exactly how she would kick and buck and how fast I could reload… I just knew how to aim her… and fire.

One shot, one kill.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	13. Transcript 13

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1225 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

The only thing Talon feared more than Reyes in a bad mood was me with an aux cord.

Mhmhm--!

Rides in the transporter jets were SO fun. If nobody hid the aux cord, or if Reyes wasn’t already in control of the music, I plugged in my phone. I had a phone, yes; it only worked on Talon lines, but I could still store MP3s.

And oh, the SONGS I had.

Reyes had brooding, eerie music. It was pleasant, if unsettling to the grunts.

I had over a hundred songs from the 2000’s, and blared them as _loud_ as the transporter could handle. I gently unplugged Reyes’ phone, plugged the cord into mine, and by then people were already begging me to stop.

I never listened.

On went the music, up went the volume; I’d cross one leg over the other and lounge in my seat and smile.

The first few times, they tried to shout at me over the music. Of course, I never responded. Then they tried unplugging the cables themselves. I think a few broken fingers and wrists convinced them to stop.

I’m pretty sure some of them had tinnitus by the time we arrived at our destinations, but I didn’t care.

Hahaha.

Sometimes, Reyes and I would dance together, too. Sneaking in bottles of alcohol and blaring this _shitty_ music in the base. There was only so much we could do, fuck Talon! We got disgracefully, _roaring_ drunk, bashing walls and stamping our feet and blacking out. Well – I blacked out, his nanobots were too good at processing alcohol. Ahaha…

I’d wake up in his bed, most times. I would be curled on my side, with the covers neatly pulled over me, tucked in. He would be sitting on the floor, cross legged, thinking. He never slept. Usually, there was a glass and jug of water next to the bed. Less often I would wake up in my room with the same; I kept my door locked, and he didn’t like to force it. He preferred to make sure I was safe.

…He cared, under it all. I appreciated that, though I never told him.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	14. Transcript 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1729 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[GIGGLING] Here, here look – I had… I had some lovely cider. Lovely, sweet cider. And now everything is nice and sweet. I feel so happy. I feel happy! Yes. I wanted, some alcohol, so I got some cider. I walked into a store and bought some. And I came back home. Lena’s out. Now I have – I’m not drunk. I haven’t had very much. Gérard always used to drink with me. We would have so much fun together. Watching movies. Talking about important things. Sometimes he would kiss me. But he said, he said don’t drink too much, because if you drink too much you’ll start to get drunk. I know you’re a heavyweight, so you should be fine, he said. He said… I loved him, I said, and he said he loved me too… I loved drinking with him, the socialising made me feel so happy and warm… I liked being with him then. He was always so nice and gentle… So reassuring… So soft… He was a good man… I was wrong… He WAS a good man… Talon lied to me about him… So that I would kill him… So it would be easier for me to kill him…

[SOFT NOISES]

I’m not drunk… I’m not drunk, non? Non. C’est impossible.

Oh, I’m still… recording. I don’t want to record myself saying silly things, and being silly. Here we go-

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	15. Transcript 15

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2208 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

…

I’ve… I’ve been very open lately. In these videos.

…

It’s unlike me…

…

Hah.

Being around Lena does change me.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	16. Transcript 16

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0720 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

What the FUCK did I do? Oh my God. I had cider. And took a video. Didn’t I? Ugh, look at that. There’s one here, it’s – That’s disgusting. I don’t even want to know what I talked about.

…

I don’t even _like_ cider.

…

[AUDIBLE SIGH.]

I probably _did_ talk about him, didn’t I… I always do, drinking reminds me of him…

He… Gérard…

We would… He would go over important plans and documents with me, over a glass of wine. Or two. It made it easier to think. I’m a heavyweight, of course. It’s such a vulgar term, but it’s true. I’m not easily phased by alcohol, but it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, when everyone else is smiling.

…

Lena thinks-

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	17. Transcript 17

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0732 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Ugh, the camera ran out of batteries. I forgot it needed them.

…

I don’t think I’ll be finishing what I was going to say. It’s not pleasant.

I DO want to talk about Lena, but… To talk about us, after our respective… accidents… I’ll have to talk about everything before. And that means I have to talk about him. And I have to talk about Overwatch.

[SIGH]

I don’t know… It’s… Much harder than I thought it would be. But now I am invested. And I don’t want to stop.

…

That’s enough for now, I think.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	18. Transcript 18

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1429 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I remember the first time I saw Lena, after Talon, and after the Slipstream.

Thanks to Gérard’s involvement, before he died, Talon knew about her. I – I’ll talk about that later. It’s not as… relevant.

Overwatch was planning a publicity gala, to help their public image. Morrison was the golden boy, and of course, they needed someone else. Someone who was equally as happy, genuine, and easy to trust.

Someone… iconic.

I was stationed two blocks away, looking down on the stage, from her right. My task was reconnaissance, nothing more.

Her hair was longer. I noticed that immediately. Just a couple of inches longer, but still messy and spiky. With gravity-defying gel this time, instead of just… strong gel. It covered her face more. I noticed her bright pants and her accelerator at the same time. Two very strong colours. But… It was daytime, so the blue didn’t grab my attention so much as the light, reflecting off the metal. Bright. White and grey. Her call sign, inked on the leggings, I noticed later, when she spun in place and posed for the crowd.

She looked… like herself… but…

She looked like someone else had taken everything that made her _her_ , and moulded it into a persona. Sterile, and… forced.

And ever so cheerful.

She looked uncomfortable.

I don’t think anyone noticed.

I did.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	19. Transcript 19

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1511 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I'm going to tell her about these entries.

I'm afraid.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	20. Transcript 20

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0424 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I can’t sleep.

In so few words… She took the news well, earlier. She watched them silently, then hugged me. She told me she doesn’t mind what I use to do what I’m doing.

Hah…

I suppose I have the blessing to keep going.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	21. Transcript 21

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2235 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

…

She’s so beautiful. When she’s asleep. I’m not the best at sleeping, so I watch her.

Her hair is fluffy.

…

She tucks her head under my chin, and throws an arm over my waist. Her other arm presses to her stomach, and her hand flops over her own waist.

Her breathing is slow… and steady… and relaxed.

…I count her freckles in time with her breaths. Sometimes cars drive by, outside her apartment. Sometimes, someone shouts.

The light… filtering in through the window at night, is blue, and soft. I turn my back to it, now.

The light from her accelerator, bright through her shirt, lights up the other side of the room. Brighter blue. Pulsing slowly. The core in front is muffled against my chest.

…

Her legs tangle in mine. She sleeps in boxers, most nights. And black t-shirts, with block white text. Band names, I think.

If it’s warm, she kicks off the sheets.

If I think she’s waking up… I hum. Sometimes, she murmurs, and shifts a little. I kiss her hair, and hum mindlessly, until she stops.

…

It’s good, seeing her relax, and still…

She deserves the quiet…

…

 

 

…

 

 

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	22. Transcript 22

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0730 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I will elaborate on this later, but I needed to get it out. To this day, I do not know if my husband was involved in Lena’s accident. But I do know, that by the time she had her accelerator, I was already Talon’s, and he was dead.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	23. Transcript 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains descriptions of reconditioning and Gérard's murder.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1712 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I can’t remember much of the first reconditioning session. Not beyond what I’ve already described.

The first one _was_ the most important… They set up the heaviest, most structural kinds of conditioning. Mostly, corralling my thoughts back in, if I started to question or rebel against their commands.

It started with… thinking of Talon in a positive light. Tying, making associations, between Talon, and feeling good, and safe. Safe, mostly. Wanting to do what they say.

…

Next, they gradually broke down my aversion to following commands. Linking the mere thought to disgust. Later, they wore it down entirely. But at the start, it became disgusting. And, of course, following orders was associated with feeling good. Later, feeling like it was the most perfectly natural thing in the world.

They left my anger. Anger at Gérard, and anger at Overwatch. They told me that Overwatch would not come for me. They didn’t. Hah – _he_ had told me, beforehand, that nobody would know about it. You see – he made me sign… things. I can’t remember all of them, surprisingly. But I think, I think I remember signing things. It was going to be our little secret; I agreed to this procedure. It was therapy. It was training. I was going to help in the field where he had worked in the organisation.

…

I need a drink.

[SOUNDS OF A CHAIR SCRAPING.]

[LONG SILENCE.]

Ahh, water is good… Where’s the on button – Oh. I didn’t turn the camera off.

…

Oh well. I’m not editing this. Where was I, then…

I agreed, I trusted him. After I’d gone in for… two long sessions, maybe more, Talon used my anger as fuel. Anger towards Gérard and Overwatch together. By that point, oh, they knew about him. How he was giving away some of their most important information.

When I was too far gone to defect, they told me the truth about him. How he… He’d been…

...

When they found out he was working for Overwatch, they said he needed to prove his loyalty to Talon. He needed to give some kind of… collateral.

I was collateral.

They told me that I was the only person he was nice to. That he was never polite to anyone at Talon. And that when the time came, giving me away would have been no stress at all.

Talon is an organisation built on nothing but lies and manipulation, but… But I don’t think…

I don’t think…

[GROWL.]

At least half of that _had_ to be true.

I’ve talked to Lena about him.

He never liked her. He kept her away from me, and I believed him.

Well.

They pushed all the things I was afraid of in myself, that I had already been hiding, thanks to Gérard, to the back of my mind. Self-confidence. Anger. Thoughts of violence. Sexuality.

The ability to fight back.

Things I feared.

They bundled it all up, and pulled it over scared little Amélie, like a veil.

Sticky. Inescapable. The more she struggled, the more she grew fearful, the more she pushed it away, the more it bounced back. The stronger it stuck.

Just like a web.

Then, she was gone, and I was there.

Angry.

Burning, consuming anger.

I thought this would free me, at least a little, to give me some sort of agency, but no. I was being used, again. By Talon.

[HARSH SIGH.]

When I had been conditioned enough, they sent me back, of course. Different… Mostly lacking in apparent emotions.

He was so warm, and friendly, and sweet. So gentle.

It was so easy to fall back into our routines.

Talon had anticipated this.

They didn’t want me to become complacent. They wanted me to be angry. Anger, to fuel me.

I lasted two weeks before I got sick of waiting, and Talon’s conditioning took hold, fine-tuning my initial impulse into what they wanted.

We were lying in bed. Once upon a time, I would have considered it peaceful. It was very dark, but not stiflingly so. I was lying on his right.

At first, I caressed his cheek.

He thought it was sweet.

I climbed on top of him. He responded positively.

I took his hands, with one of mine, and pinned them above his head.

I think he murmured something. I couldn’t hear. I could hardly think.

I caressed his jaw.

I think I saw him smile, in the dark.

I pressed my hand on his throat.

He _loved_ it.

He loved it until I clamped my thighs astride his waist so he couldn’t escape, and pinned his hands, and squeezed his jugular veins and trachea so hard I heard something crunch.

It was over pretty quickly, all things considered. His struggles were so cute.

I left his body in our bed and contacted Talon. They picked me up little more than an hour later.

Then…

…

Mhmhm.

Then the _real_ reconditioning began.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	24. Transcript 24

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1045 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

My heart hurts.

Being away from Talon for so long… Obviously, this means no conditioning.

I’ve spoken to Reyes sometimes. We keep in touch. How could I truly leave him be?

...

He tried to stop me from going in, once or twice. When I would willingly submit to reconditioning. I shook him off. A couple of times, he tried to stop me. Or them. He said he’d get shocked for it.

They told me the conditioning was permanent... and that when I went in, it was just for check-ups. Tweaks.

I want to believe them.

And yet... I don't think...

...

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	25. Transcript 25

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0818 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I know Widow’s Kiss like the back of my hand.

…Or… more accurately…

I know her inside out, I can assemble her in my sleep. I know her like the bones of my body.

Between missions, there was nothing to do. I was training with her, practicing. Making sure I could move fluidly, of course, like she wasn’t even there. I would also dismantle her for cataloguing, and piece her back together. Every piece, I laid out meticulously in front of me. I would spend hours taking her apart and putting her together again. Testing her weight, and the way she moved.

My fingers were covered in grease by the end. It was a mark of my labours.

…

Lena’s hidden her parts in bags around the house. I brought her with me, of course, but… she wanted to be safe.

I want her to be safe.

…

Both of them.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	26. Transcript 26

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2231 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Nnn…

[SOFT WHINE.]

God, I miss reconditioning.

A lot of the time, it was… mindless. I would go in… sit down…

They had a headset. It covered my eyes. There were no lenses, no screening or infra-red technology. It pressed against my face and clamped at the back. The attached cables hung from the ceiling and processing unit behind. Electrodes would press to my temples and skull. The chair was not padded, but it was rather… mmm… ergonomic. There were straps for my arms and legs, in case the electric shocks became too much. There were also various things that attached to my left arm; needles and clips and other, less-important apparatus. I never paid them much attention.

They _were_ getting into my brain, after all.

I let my thoughts wander, and Talon steered and refined them. It was warm… practically _oozing_ dopamine, if I’d been good. Following orders, killing. Taking the perfect shots… Replaying them again in my mind, whatever Talon wanted, and being rewarded with good, warm feelings…

Every time my mind strayed to _bad things_ like acting on my own or striking out, of course, my stomach would churn. Twist, uncomfortably. Thoughts of nausea and deep-seated, unshakeable revulsion followed. Electric shocks, if I kept at it. Mild, at first; stronger, later.

Sometimes I liked the pain.

Inevitably, Amélie would give in, and retreat to the ease and comfort of following orders. Her mind would fuzz over with exhaustion, and I was there. Locked in control; remembering nearly nothing of the procedure, the past few hours, but unbelievably tired.

When I thought about…

…

When I told Talon about Overwatch’s new agent “Tracer”, they decided it would be a good idea to follow her…

…

Talon knew about the chronal accelerator. Lena’s accident happened very, very soon after I’d agreed and gone in. I don’t know how soon, but Lena didn’t know I was gone until after her ape friend had created the device for her, and she was once again grounded in reality. Gérard told me nothing about her, of course, when I returned from Talon; he cooed, and apologised, and told me that I could tell him anything. He promised me he would complain to Talon and demand retribution. People celebrated my return, of course, but nobody… asked. And nobody told me about Lena. We never appeared to be close, or to even know each other beyond a rare, cursory chat. Why would they?

Gérard was compiling and reporting on Lena’s condition, of course. Finding information on the accelerator and shuttling it away, across to Talon. They knew everything about her, from her status as a pilot, to her time as a ghost…

The days dragged on…

Eventually, I grew tired of waiting.

Then, there was nothing for me at the organisation that had never come for me, and I went to Talon.

[SIGH.]

The task of watching Lena must have gone to someone else, because they learned small pieces of information here and there. How to track the energy her accelerator gave off.

It’s how I could find her so well.

…

When… When I thought about her, during reconditioning… it was cold. Emptier, focussed. Not warm, like following orders. Not harsh, like disobeying. Cold, empty, focussed. Just like work. A high-priority target; follow Talon’s orders to a tee. Isolate. Destroy.

…

Then, I would see her in person.

I could never do it.

[BITTER LAUGHTER.]

Why, _why_ could I hurt her, even then, when I felt nothing but apathy towards her?

I had to make it look like she was more dangerous than she was. I played up her abilities. I fired at nothing. I wasted clips. One shot, one kill, oui. Tracer is just too fast, sir. She literally manipulates time. I’ll do better next time. I need to analyse how she fights. I need to watch and learn how she lives.

They allowed it.

I did my best to stall, though I questioned my every movement.

She _was_ a good fighter. She could have gotten me, if I’d let her.

If she’d pushed harder.

I was given a set of coordinates, one day, to watch her. A stakeout. Alone. I was led to her apartment…

…

It was…

…

I can talk about reconditioning, but I can’t describe how I first saw the place I am currently living in. Ugh…

My thoughts are too muddled. It’s time to stop, for now.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	27. Transcript 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May contain triggering content.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1928 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I took a break from recordings. I can’t remember much of them, and watching them all again… My mind, it… I can’t describe it. Everything goes fuzzy, and my thoughts grate on one another. It happens when I talk too much. It happens when I remember too much. It happens when car alarms go off, when dogs bark, when Lena stubs her toe on the kitchen table and shouts obscenities.

I hate it.

I want to make another video, though…

Mmm.

Let’s talk about… reconditioning, again. It’s tempting me.

The chemical side of things…

Talon used subtle chemicals and manipulation on Reyes. I believe I’ve said, that he is – was – more of a hired gun than I. I took the full brunt of all their harsher experimentation… Forceful, concentrated, worming their way into me and rebuilding me from the inside out. The only time this did not apply was easing me onto the toxins. They had to make sure I wouldn’t die.

Did you know, that the toxin in my mines…

[PROCURES A GLASS VIAL, FILLED WITH LIQUID, AND HOLDS IT TO THE CAMERA.]

…Is the _very same_ chemical cocktail they used on me? Oh, I am used to it. It literally runs in my veins. But any _ordinary_ person, when faced with the neurotoxin, would go into cardiac arrest.

My blood, they ensured could hold more oxygen. This mix [SHE SWIRLS THE VIAL.] was then responsible for all my major changes after murdering my husband. Lowered circulation. Muted emotions – though I could easily look up the specifics of which hormones they modified, now, I don’t yet have the strength. I know there was adrenaline, and dopamine. Those are general.

[SIGH.]

…

God, I – I want to go back to Talon.

I want to feel stable again.

I want to feel _nothing_. When everything is beautifully empty, and safe. When nothing hurts, except failure.

Talon is gone, but I want to go back, God. I want to go back, I – I don’t want to _feel things_ , I’m so _sick_ of feeling things. I don’t want to feel. I’m sick of feeling. The best times were the times when I cared about nobody and nothing, not even myself, except Talon. The pleasure of getting positive attention from them – God. I could insult and needle and injure as many footmen as I wanted, as long as I did whatever the higher-ups told me. Then they’d tell me I did a good job, on missions, wherever, and – and how good I was being, and I got sucked in, I got sucked into obeying, doing what I was told, it felt so good. It felt so good. So good. God. I want to go back to Talon. I want to go back to Talon. I want –

[WHINING.]

[MUFFLED NOISES.]

Lena, _please_ , I–

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	28. Transcript 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Chapter is a first-hand recount implying rape.
> 
> tw;dr Talon took advantage of her reconditioning. Reaper often helped her after such events she can't fully recall.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2242 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[SILENCE.]

[UNEVEN BREATHING.]

It was so easy for them, to. To.

I.

I was. I. Did anything they asked. I had to. I. Wanted to. It was so easy to. To do what they wanted. And they made it feel good. Did I want it? Yes. Of. Of course. Of course I wanted them. It. I. During. Reconditioning. I.

I can’t stop talking now that I’ve stopped. I. I mean started. I – I hate English. They. Made me. During reconditioning. When it was strongest. When I wouldn’t remember. Much. I remembered anyway. Snippets, and.

They made me. Learn things. For them. I was, the – the most, the only, beautiful, forcefully, [LAUGHTER.] willingly, brainwashed woman in the entirety of Talon, I. They. Used m… mm… mmmade me do things. For them. To them.

Reyes. Helped me. Clean up afterwards.

He is the _only_ man I trust.

[CHOKING.]

J'ai la nausée–

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	29. Transcript 29

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1123 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Sometimes, I would go to Reyes. About… certain needs. After a while, we got used to it. We could tell when the other needed relief, or a distraction.

While I rode him, with knowledge I did not have before Talon but certainly cannot remember learning myself… He would play with my hair a lot. Running his fingers through it, when he wasn’t holding my waist. Or my back. Sometimes all three. He could make a lot of hands, using his nanomachines.

…

There was no romance or emotion in it, God no. He… told me, I suppose, that he cared, more than any other men had done in my life. With actions, rather than words. He would wait a lot.

[SHRUGS.]

We did what we had to. C’est la vie.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	30. Transcript 30

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1454 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Sometimes, on missions, Reyes and I would escape from Talon.

…

“Escape” is a strong word. I have a tracking chip in my spine.

We would sneak away to the nearest cities. Anywhere we could blend in. I would tie my hair into a bun, or wrap it around my neck like a scarf… And cover it with an _actual_ scarf. I had a black felt sunhat with a thin, silver hatband, and round sunglasses. And a white sundress. It looked classy. Reyes carried our gear in a branded duffel bag. He had to use his nanobots to transform and hold a less monstrous form, so our hours were numbered. They were fun, anyway. I’d like to say I dragged him along shopping, but we both enjoyed it.

On the rare occasion we wanted more alcohol for our angry, late-night venting, he would just… walk into a store and take it. Aha. What would security do to stop him? He was a wanted man. Extremely dangerous. Protected by Talon, and he could _literally_ ghost away. I, on the other hand, would pay for it. I’d walk in, in full gear, with Widow’s Kiss on my back, with my employers’ credit card in hand, and buy _exorbitant_ amounts of only the most expensive alcohol there. I just loved seeing the faces cashiers made.

Mmm.

Reyes told me, recently, that they gave us small freedoms so we were less likely to run. I don’t know what to believe, but it sounds likely. Talon is Talon.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	31. Transcript 31

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1830 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I am feeling less and less like myself.

I do not know who I am any more.

It’s been over six months since my last reconditioning. For a while, I held on through sheer tenacity, but now… It’s… I’m… slipping. I’m slipping. I do not want to be Amélie Lacroix. I want to be Widowmaker. It’s easy. It’s _right_. I don’t want to be a scared, broken shell of a woman, with all the fire carved out of her. That’s all she is now. I can feel her in the back of my mind, when I’m not in control. When my control slips, I can feel her, melding with me. Making me soft. Lena may be breaking through it all, but… at the same time… that is the problem. It is a dangerous territory that every part of me… what’s the word… abhors. That is stronger than hatred, non?

I abhor the thought of becoming everything soft and fragile that she is. And yet – Hah! Here I am, becoming _soft_ and _lilting_ , and… _remorseful_.

I do not feel remorse. I am not supposed to feel remorse. I am a tool, cold, beautiful. And I am going to hold onto that for as long as I possibly can. Effortless, perfect. That is me. That is Widowmaker.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	32. Transcript 32

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1943 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I wonder if, one day, I’ll be able to put into words _just_ what killing does to me. The sick rush of heat. Or, not sick. Warm. Inviting.

…

[SIGH.]

I’m skirting around the topic.

Arousal. Pain, and causing pain, both arouse me. Killing is therapeutic. Killing makes me feel alive. I feel like God. I am in control. I’ve been aroused in the middle of firefights more often than I’d like to admit… Well. Here I am, admitting. The faint buzz between my legs is standard operating procedure. It’s one thing I _am_ able to consistently feel.

I was shot in the back with a burst of pale blue pulse bullets, once. I barely managed to turn the moan into a pained cry. Thankfully, the little shit never caught it - or if she did, she made no mention. I watch men, women – people – bleed out, and the deep, rich liquid does _things_ to me.

Aha, such eloquency. I sound like Oxton.

Arousal, bloodlust, obedience, sadism. That makes up the sum of my being, I think.

Oh, and spiders. I can’t forget the spiders, can I?

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	33. Transcript 33

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2055 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Hello, Lena. I know you’re watching these. Mhmhm.

Enjoy.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	34. Transcript 34

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1629 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I’ve been holding back from some… grittier details, because Lena has been perusing these. Not that I mind. She…

…

Mmm.

There was a time, during a stakeout, near her apartment. I cannot remember, yet, how she noticed me; my memory is… disturbingly patched. She chased me away from her hole in the wall; whether or not she knew that I knew the location, I do not know. She was not wearing her orange leggings…

…

I heard her blinking long before I saw her. She chased me away, oh so valiantly. I evaded her, of course.

She never fought me at her full ability. It was a cat and mouse for _both_ of us.

I peaceably left her apartment alone, but she fired after me. Much closer than usual. Too close for comfort. She… landed, a shot, on my hair clip, as I turned my head back to see if she was going to follow me across the gap up between two buildings. The clip is two halves that clasp with a magnet. It popped off. I had to stop, of course, because my hair was loose.

Lena stopped too. She looked… [QUIET LAUGHTER.] pretty shocked. I ran, not wanting to be caught over something so petty. I hid in a fire escape. It was wet from rain… But then again, was it ever not raining…

She gave up after a few minutes. Went back inside, because she was cold. I watched her with my infravision, waited til she was far away. Then I got up, collected my hair clip, and went back to the stakeout.

I told her this, once, and she felt like a fool. We laughed, though.

Talon could track her accelerator. The implant in her chest gave out a specific signal – ironically, the waveforms reminded me of a heartbeat, the first time I saw them. A second heart for her. It was faint, but trackable. I was tasked with a lot of reconnaissance after I told them she was dangerous.

And more dangerous, and more dangerous…

…

Of course Talon came to the conclusion that I was stalling, how could they not have. It was only my insistence that she was my kill alone that kept them at bay.

The organisation that created me and controlled me, being held at bay by a threat? Why not put me under and kill her themselves?

Hah.

That’s a fun story, for another time.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	35. Transcript 35

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1249 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Hello. I don’t know where I am. I’m going to broadcast this across all Talon secure lines, in the hopes that someone finds me. I repeat, I don’t know where I am. I don’t know how I got here. This is Widowmaker, requesting immediate retrieval. Find me and mark my location, in case of capture. I will stand by for further instruction.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	36. Transcript 36

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1318 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Oh my God. Oh, my God. I. I lost myself. I lost myself in it, again, oh my God.

None of the Talon lines were working so I immediately contacted Reyes. He didn’t say much, but… he managed to… jog it. A bit.

I don’t know who I am any more. I feel like Amélie. I feel like Widowmaker. Am I one? Am I both? I don’t know. I hate it. I am one, I am the other. I swing and switch and change. I remember, I forget.

God, I just want to be stable.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	37. Transcript 37

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1526 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I rested my phone on my chest and I could see it twitching, ever so slightly, when my heart beat.

It was…

…

Mm.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	38. Transcript 38

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1538 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

King’s Row.

…

 

…

 

I don’t know if Lena forgives me entirely.

I don’t know what she was expecting me to be there for, either. Reconnaissance, probably; I’d done so much of it around her, she got a bit numb. Her reaction was such a nasty shock. I honestly wasn’t expecting it from her.

Such a sweet, foolish girl. And I love her anyway.

…

But… now that I know her better, she probably _was_ expecting something like that. I killed multiple men on the rooftops; picking them off one by one, in the dark, with stealth… absolutely. There is no doubt in my mind she saw at least one of the bodies during our chase around the edges of the event. She would have realised I was serious.

It was pretty standard, for our games. Not opening fire unless we could get away with it. Aiming wide. Nearly catching me, until I slipped away again. Mostly, making sure I couldn’t stay still enough to take aim at anything. And she was pretty good at it, too. Turning her frustration and fear into smiles and good, old, banter. Until I stopped playing around, and it got too much.

She’s not built for fighting. She’s too emotional.

And…

…

I can’t remember if this was… at that event, or not. I cornered her. She faced me, with the most beautifully defeated expression on her face. So full of fear. So _lacking_ in control. She dropped to her knees… I raised Widow’s Kiss, and scoped her. She looked so scared.

And I pressed the barrel, ever so gently, to her forehead.

It was the closest I could get to giving her a kiss.

…

I think I walked away. She did not immediately pursue.

…My heart… is beating faster than normal. Of course it would be.

It was a good night.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	39. Transcript 39

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1617 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Lena is so optimistic…

I am everything Amélie fears, and yet I protect her, despite doing everything she would not. The little bundle of woman at the back of my mind.

If I fade away, what would happen?

Hah.

I exist despite her, and because of her.

Lena says she loves all of me. Amélie and Widowmaker. When I love her, and when I feel she may as well be a speck of dust on the wall.

It’s a good thing the lines are blurring, then.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	40. Transcript 40

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2204 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Reyes and I had an outing. We got tarot readings. We both thought it was bullshit, of course. I don’t put stock in that stuff.

We left, afraid of a deck of cards. As he put it, we got read. So bad. It was horrible. I took a picture, où est-il…

[BROWSES A PHONE.]

Ah. I see. On the left, the Queen of Wands. On the right, Temperance. In the middle… Mm, what is it… The King of Cups, upside down, between the Moon, and the Wheel of Fortune, also upside down. It sounds like a lot of jargon. It is.

It means… [SIGH. RUBS TEMPLES.] Or, the reader _said_ it means… Lena’s helping me, and at the end of all this, I’ll… feel better, but I’m still… _caught up_ , I suppose, in everything… _he_ did. What he did to me. What he made me sign up to.

I hate tarot cards, and want nothing more to do with them.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an actual reading I pulled; of course she'd be skeptical, and blunt, and not want to talk about it.


	41. Transcript 41

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1307 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I have not made a log in a long time…

…

Lena is… teaching me how to feel.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	42. Transcript 42

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1313 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

When I am Widowmaker, everything is numb. Emotions, of course, take the _brunt_ of it; my reactions, emotionally, are muted. It leaves more room for physical reactions, and clear judgement. I can fight. I can think, without… being clouded, let’s say. That’s what emotions feel like. Something that pulls my judgement down. Something that distracts me.

Lena calls it morality.

Widowmaker calls it a nuisance.

I call it…

…

…Confusing, maybe.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	43. Transcript 43

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1836 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I don’t have many memories of being Amélie. I remember, vividly, the colour of the summer sun through oak leaves. A clear sky. A white blouse, and long brown hair… Looking up at the sky, perhaps…?

[LONG SILENCE.]

[MURMURING, IN FRENCH. UNINTELLIGIBLE. SHE STARES AT HER KNEES.]

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	44. Transcript 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of smoking, rape.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2051 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

God, I love smoking. I prefer the self-lighting ones to tobacco cigarettes, but if I can get my hands on them, I won’t… refuse. They remind me of Talon, somehow. No, I can’t remember how. Something about the… mm. I can’t explain. It is a vague abstraction. As much as I love literature, I cannot use many words myself. Especially in English.

Whimsical, I think is the word?

Mm.

...

I think this is becoming... cathartic. The videos, I mean. Smoking was, I think, but these are... nice. 

It relaxes me.

...

[SNORTS.]

It relaxes me  _sometimes_ , I should clarify. Describing memories of rape is not relaxing.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	45. Transcript 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implications of emotional abuse; lots of drunkenness, and drunken rambling.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0231 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Hello. I am drunk. Lena thinks I am not a heavyweight, and now, I am inclined to believe her. I am very gay, and I love her very much. Also, I am definitely a lightweight.

She’s been talking to me about _him_. Him, and his bullshit. What being drunk is actually like. I am currently drunk. I am not in the mood to giggle. He did so many things to me, and made me do so many things, while I was drunk, I want to GET drunk just to forget about them. But of course, being drunk makes me remember things. Sober Amélie is blessed. She doesn’t remember them. I remember coercion. Sweet words and gentle touches. Not so gentle touches. Never rough, non. Persuasive. Demanding, unrelenting, perhaps. But never rough. He made me doubt myself. I still doubt myself. He was so nice, and lovely, but he was awful, she says, I think, I really do think. He was awful to me when I was drunk. Making me agree to things, because I always remembered. Or, if I didn’t remember, he would remind me. I would vaguely remember. He would talk me through how I got there. It made sense. Why would it not? He loved me. I had a bad memory.

I have such a bad memory.

“Lena thinks”, I said, the other day, [SHE TAKES A SIP FROM A MUG.] she thinks I am not a heavyweight. She. She told me, while I was sober; she explained, what drunkenness _feels_ like. He told me what it _looked_ like, in other people. He described a very different thing about drunkenness. He said you felt violent. He said you felt harsh, and cruel, and wanted to take advantage of all the terrible, worthless people around you, and that you felt like a king, with unlimited power, and unlimited reach. That you could do anything. Anything, God.

I think – or Lena might, I – I don’t know – Maybe I think, yes, I don’t often think well, but perhaps it is me – that he was talking about himself. About what he thought, when he was drunk. And he told me that that was drunkenness, but it was safe with him. That if I were to ever start thinking those things, he would help me snap out of it. He also told me that not all people experience drunkenness like that, but he never explained. He said that he hoped that I would not be like that.

[SHE TAKES A SIP.]

Lena is wonderful. She is asleep right now. I love her. God, I love her. God high in heaven, I love her. She is so gorgeous, and she is so gentle. She is nothing like Gérard. Nothing like him. She calls him – she calls him something I do not want to call him. Not yet. I don’t know. I can’t think clearly. I never can. It’s so easy to follow. So _fucking_ easy. He was so gentle to me, when I did the right thing, and did what he told me. When I didn’t do what he wanted, it was – He was never rude. It was always hard not to. I don’t know. Was it? Was it… He was so nice… So lovely… So gentle… But firm, when he needed to. He was a lovely husband, yes. I’m disappointed I had to kill him. Talon knew what was best for me, and what was best for me to do. But Gérard knew what I _wanted_. He explained things to me, and helped me see why I wanted it. He was so good to me… But Lena…

Lena is…

She’s very… mm… direct. She tells me what she’s going to do, and she does it, and she doesn’t tell me I wasn’t thinking clearly. Not once has she done that. She tells me my thinking is very clear, and I am very good at observing. She says I read her like a book. I do not read her like a book, non, I read her expressions, and between her lines. Of text. I mean – not text. Words. Speech. I read her speech. What is this, a text interface? Non. I read her words, and between them. I know her. I watch. I am patient. I am a _sniper_. It’s what I am best at.

Who am I, non? Widowmaker? Amélie? I am not Lacroix. I am just Amélie. I don’t know if I want to change my surname. I am just Amélie. Both. Neither. Together. Something new. Something mixed, and changeable, and bad. Always bad. I am a bad wife, and a bad person. A tool. I am something new. I am a mix of both. Who am I? I’m drunk. I can admit that now.

Lightweight. I’m a lightweight. I cannot hold my alcohol well. What would he know? Less than Lena. Lena loves me. I love Lena. I love Reyes, too. He is the only man I trust. He is the only man I love. Really love. Sober Amélie is a terrible worder. Speaker, I mean. A terrible speaker. I love Reyes. I love him. In what _kind_ of love, I do not know. But I love him. He cared about me. I cared about him. Perhaps we can mend this, whatever we have. God, I love him. We broke Talon together, we – later. Later story. Non, I – _That’s_ a story for _later_. I hate English.

I love Lena. I love Reyes. I love mon moineau, mon faucheur. Aha, a pun, a _pun_ – mon trésor. Lena est mon trésor. Mon trésor! I love her. God, I love her.

I think that’s enough, for – for now. Enough talking. My throat is tired. God, I love her. She saved my life. She is my saving grace. I love her, God. Ma joie de vivre. I love her.

I think, I think that’s a little gay. I’ve had too much to drink. The words are spilling out of my mouth, God. I could talk for hours.

I love Lena. I love her.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	46. Transcript 46

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0953 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

H…Hello… I… feel like Amélie today… I thought I should make a video…

[SILENCE. SOFT FIDGETING.]

I can’t remember much of being Widowmaker… I know vague things. Nothing… concrete?

…

Lena is very gentle when I get like this. She is… understanding. I can’t remember much of Talon, if at all, but I remember – _him_. I remember what he was like. Before I… well. Before I went back to Talon.

God, she is – so kind, and patient. She says she loves all of me, and – I don’t feel like I _deserve_ that. After all I’ve done… The parts of me that did those things… Terrible things…

I am so scared. God. I’m terrified of myself, and what I can do. I don’t want to hurt people… Not any more… Lena helps me so much. I haven’t approached Reyes while I’m like this, because I don’t know what to say. Or how he’ll react… I know he would support me, but… I’m still afraid…

[FIDGETING. SHE SIGHS.]

I won’t be like this for much longer. I’m already starting to feel… Widowmaker, creeping up on me. I’ll stop the video before I change because I want it to be mine and – Goodbye, I have to –

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	47. Transcript 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something crucial I need to mention - as she remembers more, the logs are going to get more detailed, but much worse. This is an official warning for potentially explicit descriptions of **torture, mental/physical/emotional abuse,** and possibly **rape,** in the future.
> 
> This chapter may be distressing to read.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2344 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[RAMBLING IN FRENCH. TRANSLATION BELOW.]

I don’t know how much I had hidden from me, I don’t know who I am, they destroyed me, I can’t remember who – what – I don’t know, there’s so much I can’t remember, everything is static. They – I – I can’t remember! I want to REMEMBER! No, God, I don’t want to remember, it was so much easier when I couldn’t, I – I – [SCREECHING. WAILING.] I can’t deal with this! I can’t-

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	48. Transcript 48

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0822 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[SNORT.] That last video. What a fucking drama queen.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	49. Transcript 49

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1906 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Hello, again. It’s been a while.

I haven’t needed to make another video for a long time, now. I just… haven’t needed it. I think I vented my initial frustrations, and part of me found a little of the solitude I was looking for. But, nonetheless. I have a story to tell. I intend to finish it. Filling the gaps, the… information, I have not told. This is just a marker, I suppose. An airing of my intent.

…Hah. I would _never_ have done that, at Talon. Laying myself _bare_. I feel comfortable in Lena’s presence, and she is letting me continue these in private. She gives me trust; she turns her back to me, in spirit. That is more than I could ever have asked from her.

I will return in my next video with another story.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	50. Transcript 50

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1020 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I have tried nearly _ten times_ to articulate what it was like at the Numbani museum. I don’t think it’s the right time, so I won’t talk about it. I’ll talk when the words come naturally.

[SIGH.]

Not that they’ve been coming naturally recently…

I… don’t know, if I need to keep making these. Sometimes I think about Talon. Sometimes I don’t. Ah, non, I said I had a story to tell. I will keep trying to describe the museum visit, then I will, perhaps, describe my encounters with Captain Amari, and more of Lena, and… [BEAT.] The hacker. And then, how Reyes and I took down Talon. Eventually. That is my end goal. Perhaps I will finish by the time this month is up.

Who knows? Waiting is in my nature, but for some reason, I am not being patient with myself in this.

Bear with me, camera.

[SHE PATS THE CAMERA.]

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	51. Transcript 51

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0117 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

King’s Row was one of my finest kills, but my conditioning was still… ever so slightly, imperfect. Some things grated. I was more easily distracted by Lena. At the Numbani museum, now… I was… much… mm. Smoother? Refined.

Talon did not often assign Reyes and I the same mission. I worked alone; isolate and destroy. He was, often, given footmen to work with. Disposable grunts, who worked distractions while the Reaper reaped.

Overwatch got there first. We tracked Lena’s accelerator so we’d know when she arrived. Reyes intercepted the gorilla. Lena caught me in one of my hiding places, while I was waiting for him to disable the security cameras.

She chased me through the quiet corridors and edges of the building. I left mines, though she evaded them. I don’t know how… whether it was blinks, or bullets. She knew better, after King’s Row.

Reyes disabled the security quickly enough. He probably killed the person behind the screens, but it worked. We had free reign, if we avoided the public. I already was.

Anyway. She found me. We had our dance. Further and further from the public eye, through… halls worthy of janitors. Out the back. Up the fire escape.

On the roof.

She tried to blink away, and I grabbed the back of her head and thrust her face-first into a brick wall, to disorient her. You think that is harsh? I could have snapped her neck. Her visor cracked, and her nose was bleeding. She blinked again, and stumbled. I shot her in the left foot. She fell hard.

…

I… lowered Widow’s Kiss, and walked towards her. She was out of the fight, for now. Why do more than I had to?

She stared at me. Her visor was cracked. Half-gone. I watched her, for a bit. She was leaning heavily on her right arm. Her head was low, her hair flopped. Curled slightly in on herself.

…

I watched her until she appeared to lose consciousness, then I activated the emergency beacon in her earpiece. Overwatch still used the same model; I’d pored over my ex-husband’s, once.

Of course, when I went back to Reyes, he and the gorilla had caused a scene in a public area. A few seconds of gunfire, a broken display. Security was called. The police nearly intervened.

We left without the gauntlet. Punishment was severe. It was the last time any fragments of Amélie Lacroix were at the forefront of my consciousness. Though I still refused to kill Lena, when we _clashed_ again, it was all Widowmaker. Humoring the memories of Amélie.

I enjoy humouring myself.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	52. Transcript 52

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2132 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Apparently Reyes enjoys hearing about my exploits. I sent him the first couple of logs over dropbox, and he immediately wanted more. So I sent him all of them. It appears I have a subscriber.

I love him, but he is a fool. You hear that, mon faucheur? A fool. Mon couche-tard.

And I love you anyway. Enjoy.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	53. Transcript 53

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2144 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Lena is asleep, resting her head in my lap.

[SHE TILTS THE CAMERA DOWN. L. OXTON IS VISIBLE. SHE IS DROOLING.]

She’s so peaceful…

God, I love her so.

…

It wasn’t often like this, with _him_. We had our work day, our… _facsimile_ of domesticity; then we went to bed. It was like… he was most animated at work… when he was in charge. He was in charge of me too, of course. I did what he wanted. I was a good wife. He was a good husband. He didn’t often raise his voice unless it was related to work. He had… a _temper_ , oh yes. Or, perhaps a _short fuse_ is a better term. He liked things to be… his way.

I held a lot of assumptions about what married life was like, and he convinced me in most of them. It was… subtle. At first; it got worse over time, apparently. I just tried to be a good wife. But I was never good enough.

Except in bed. He was always on top, but he never complained about me in bed – do not confuse that with approval. He just did not _complain_.

…Sometimes I wonder about memories. They do not feel like mine, most days, but I have them.

Oh, compared to him though – Lena is a _delight_. Especially with her tongue. [SHE WINKS.]

[LONG PAUSE.]

Ahh, well. I’m getting tired; I shall speak more tomorrow.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	54. Transcript 54

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1059 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

So, I haven’t been entirely faithful with my note that I would speak “tomorrow”. It’s been a few days now.

Reyes liked my journals, so I harassed him into making his own. He’s keeping them more private – _nobody_ sees them. He and Lena see these, of course; I trust them.

I just thought I should mention that.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	55. Transcript 55

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1224 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I have been _informed_ that what I assumed was a simple and painless procedure of reconditioning was much more… in-depth than I had assumed. It only _felt_ like a simple herding of my thought process. It was actually… cutting away anything Talon deemed irrelevant. When I am Amélie, I remember nearly nothing of my murderous exploits, and much of my homely life. When I am like this, I remember nearly nothing of being… human. There is a certain degree of experience that qualifies you as human, non? I am not human, not any more.

That said… I cannot really remember the uncomfortable parts because they were cut away. I have a feeling… that they were painful experiences. Considering that I have large gaps in my memory where reconditioning was, I would not be surprised. I always assumed there was anaesthetic in the IVs.

[SHE SIGHS.]

This process of description is making me talk about a lot of things I had not previously considered. Like the showers. They squeaked. We thought the pipes were terrible. Sombra always lost her… _spark,_ when she was on base for a few days at a time. I do not think Reyes showered as much as I did. But I have been thinking about the showers. When I turn on the cold, in Lena’s shower, it squeaks sometimes. It makes me think I am back at Talon – not in a memory sense. In a… [SHE WAVES HER HAND A LITTLE.] Like the sound was meant to do something.

[BEAT. SHE SQUINTS.]

I don’t know. It could be pointless suspicion. But I cannot stop thinking about the showers.

Hah, let me write that into my memoir. “Irrational fear of showers”. [SHE MIMES WRITING, WITH A FLOURISH.]

That’s enough for now.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	56. Transcript 56

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1723 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

The feeling of Widow’s Kiss in my hands… and pretending that every time I pulled the trigger, I was killing Gérard again.

Oh, the focus.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	57. Transcript 57

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2024 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Talon takes everything you love and everything you need and turns it against you. They’re some of the most horrible, manipulative _assholes_ I have encountered in my _life_.

 _He_ fit right in.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	58. Transcript 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains allusions to rape and emotional/sexual abuse.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1513 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Salut! Today, I feel like Amélie. I am soft, and gentle… and I am okay with that… [SHE PAUSES, THEN SIGHS.] That also means I am easily scared, and I remember many, many, awful things.

 _La veuve_ does not remember reconditioning… But I do…

…

Reyes was very kind and gentle to me. Us? Her. Afterwards, you know… I believe I made a log about that…

…My husband would make me do things for his friends, sometimes. I was… numb to it? I was a good wife. I did what I was told…

I was… trying, to have a lovely day to myself, building my confidence. Lena would have liked that. And, I will admit… it was pleasant, and I felt… _naughty_ [SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY], doing things Widowmaker would have done. For lack of a better word… But I had to stop. I… I found myself saying “no” a lot. And saying _his_ name.

I need to stop thinking about this… I can feel it, the – I will… _whiplash_ , back into being Widowmaker, if I keep thinking about it. All of this.

I’ll try to have a pleasant evening, but I worry about myself…

Au revoir…

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	59. Transcript 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains allusions to verbal abuse.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2103 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

 _Fatale_ has let me be myself for a whole evening. There was a moment when I was tired… She took over… But, she retreated again, when I felt better…?

…I…

I trust her, now… Around Lena… I trust her around myself, always… She protects me, in ways I cannot protect myself… We are… one person, but we have… our ways. It is difficult to describe. I don’t know if I can.

While making dinner, I dropped a metal lid, and I cowered. I think I was waiting for a shout, but – I remembered, that he is dead. He cannot get me here. He is dead, and I killed him! He cannot ever get me again.

[SHE SHOUTS] Fuck Gérard! Fuck him! He cannot ever hurt me again! I… he…

[SHE CURLS IN ON HERSELF.]

I shouldn’t say that… I – what am I saying. He was trying his best, and I – I need to go, immediately –

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	60. Transcript 60

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0943 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Today, I am the Widowmaker. Cold. Dramatic. Perfect. Lena is doing some errands, and I am alone.

It’s been some months now, since I started, and I have said a lot. I’m surprised.

And yet, I have not said much about Lena.

She is not fragile. Time and time again she has assured me, despite my… hesitations. I could have killed her, and the restraint never entirely left. I am not someone who can exercise restraint with ease. _Especially_ in a fight. It goes against everything I am.

She…

…

My thoughts are scattered.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	61. Transcript 61

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1928 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I have finally seen all of Reyes’ logs, as I have been neglecting, and I enjoy them. He has a lot of things he talks about, and does not make many. But they are all equally important, even if most are personal.

He discussed clothing. At Talon, our dysfunctional troupe was held together largely by Reyes’ handiwork. I, of course, felt nothing about my outfit. It is my working catsuit. Purple. Pointlessly shiny, in line with Talon’s sick aesthetic parasitized off Reyes’s skills, for their most valued members. Largely reflective. Kevlar thread. I feel nothing towards it; I could move, I could hide, and I could shoot. Why would I worry about whether or not people could see my sternum?

Reyes worried for me. He performed “field surgery” – his words – on our outfits, when there were tears, or scratches. Or scuffs. He hated seeing my already “revealing” outfit revealing more of my skin. People would stare. I told him I would kill them if they tried anything, but he just grunted, and kept sewing. He was very quick with his fingers. Sombra would throw a fit if she got scuffs on her outfits, but he was so quick it rarely happened. Blackwatch required a variety of skills, he said. I believe him. Originally…

Hmm.

At the start, we were not so close. He was easily frightened by small touches. A hand on the shoulder, and he would flinch. And glare at me. I would adamantly stare back, of course, and he would calm down. I learned to give him a warning before my hand would land, so softly, on his shoulder. We would sit together. I would make him coffee, sometimes. He accepted it wordlessly, then with thanks. He likes it strong, black, with one _totally not heaped_ spoonful of sugar. He has a sweet tooth, no matter how he tries to hide it.

He was not quick to open up to me, and I had no reason to open up to him. Everything I am is laid bare, for the world to see. That is how Talon designed me. I was an open book, and Sombra enjoyed speaking to me, when she could handle my bluntness. She dealt with underhanded, backhanded, and infiltrative methods, as well as subterfuge. She did not respond well when I told her things directly.

[BEAT.] I have been talking for a while. I have chores to do, and then I will return, and speak of Lena, like I could not earlier.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	62. Transcript 62

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0913 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Bonjour. I was tired, so I went to bed.

Lena is… a “pint-sized powerhouse”, I think is the term. She is… Mm. There are two sides of Lena that I know, both different, both important.

The one the public is familiar with is more immediately obvious. She puts on her happy, cheerful act, and the world thinks she is a blessing. She took every bad thing that came her way and countered it with… _banter_. She was an unstoppable force of optimism, the poster child of Overwatch, the hope of past, the present, and the future.  People made needless symbolism from her unwanted affinity with time.

The other side of her is the side I am more familiar with, now. It is a gentler side. Oh, she is always determined, and stubborn, and beautiful.

I had the privilege of seeing her get excited over snow, once. She _loves_ snow. She has told me that she wants to retire to a cottage in the woods, near the sea. She loves helping people, as always. Overwatch was a farce and a joke, but the things she stood for and fought for are as much a part of who she is as her ridiculous accent. She is gentle, when she is alone. Sometimes, she will sing, and it is a privilege to hear. She giggles, and we make gay jokes to one another. I’m gay. You’re gay. It takes one to know one. I only said it because you said it first. You know.

I made her an omelette a while ago. Her skin was fresh and glowing from a shower. She had her hair in a towel, and wore a soft red dressing gown. I was making a mushroom omelette in her tiny, open kitchen, while wearing a fluffy blue dressing gown and slippers, and she was sitting at the dining table with a cup of coffee. The room smelled like omelette. _He_ and Talon could take nearly everything away from me, from Amélie, but they could not take my love of cooking. It was early morning, before dawn, when the sky was just ever so light but the sun had not risen enough to make shadows.

It is another snapshot of mine. Dancing, and omelette. I want to remember more, I am desperate to remember more of these snapshots. She deserves a concrete reminder of who she is, something separate from the anchor in her chest. I want to make that for her. I owe her my life. It is the least I can do.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	63. Transcript 63

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1625 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Reyes talks about lovely things in his logs. He has quite the variety of personal notes, and sometimes… I wish I could do the same as him.

[SHE STARES AT THE CAMERA.]

Alas, dear camera, I must have my secrets, even from you. Even in these, I… must reserve myself. I spent so long without secrets, it’s nice to finally have some. Little things, about the way I live. Daily life. But these logs are for storytelling, for my past. For unravelling, and thinking, and remembering.

I'll cut here. I have another story.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	64. Transcript 64

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1633 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I do not remember much about Ana Amari. She was a target; one of my earliest, after Talon had cemented my worth as an augmented sniper. I was filled with rage that Talon had manipulated into something useable, and it manifested as anger towards Overwatch. I shot her, and assumed she had died. She was a test, to see if I was truly getting better at sniping, like they had been training me to. I felt nothing more towards her.

I do not think Amélie held any ill will towards her. Perhaps they knew each other, but not closely. Captain Amari knew everyone, though; she had at least heard about me, surely. How quiet I was. Perhaps a small conversation here or there, but she never got close. I do not know enough about her to say whether or not she trusted _him_ , but Reyes says he was “unnecessarily cruel” to his troops.

I’ve been neglecting talk about his military exploits. He was involved in a lot of information work, yes, but he still commanded men, on occasion. He would not go into the field himself, most times; instead, he would send them off, and work with the intel they returned.

Reyes says he wasn’t personal with his troops. He was charismatic, yes, but he expected them to be, and I quote, “emotionless killing machines”. He hand picked them, and they were paid a high salary, but he had no emotional connection whatsoever. Reyes says that when I killed him, they all dispersed.

I am paraphrasing heavily. I can never focus enough to talk about him myself, even when other people give me the information.

...I need to stop. My brain is full of fog.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	65. Transcript 65

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0854 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Sombra got in on my logs, apparently. She told me to “link me again when my importance is representative and reflective”. Alright, then, ma petit ombre, here is a log _just_ for you.

I loved pulling you along. You dealt with jokes and riddles and wordplay, with underhanded comments, teasing, stringing people along for answers. You were not on base much, oh no, but when you were, you were in the _spotlight_.

How could I resist some blunt answers and joke-deflating jabs? Turning your probing questions against you. Answering with a perfectly-placed remark to throw you just slightly off guard, for which you would reply with another terribly questing _query_.

It was all in good fun, of course. You did not directly interact with me much, non. But when we did, it was all… subtleties and implications. We rarely said what we meant, and the meaning was all between the lines.

But you cared. And so did I.

Even if all you actually wanted attention and affection and glory, I know you meant well. You disabled my tracking chip on more than one occasion, so Reyes and I could sneak out, and I am forever grateful. Especially for how you helped us at the very end… But as much as I would love to elaborate, and give you more limelight, my storytelling has not progressed enough between my wanton venting and breakdowns. The time will come eventually, no matter how many hours I have to speak through.

It gave my brain a good workout, and being in your presence, though a constant dance of wits, was fun. I missed you.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	66. Transcript 66

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0828 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I _would_ have visited his grave.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	67. Transcript 67

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0954 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

...Sorry. I was thinking. And I started the camera, and said a half-finished thought. 

Despite everything, part of me still cared. Of course I would have. I... loved him.

...

Maybe it was everything he was supposed to stand for.

...

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	68. Transcript 68

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1047 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Lena and I have been busy for the last few days. The holiday season is a mess. She’s been helping people nonstop, and I’m worried for her health. I’m going to spend a good, long time with her this evening, and make sure she’s getting the rest she needs.

I feel distinctly different. Since starting these logs a few months ago, I have become more aware of… different parts of myself. Softness, where there once was none… Or where I thought there was none. I have become incredibly protective, where I thought I was just… proactive. I’ve learned to love like Lena.

At risk of sounding like a fool, love feels… warm. I understand romantic songs a little better now. At Talon, love was defined by how much you were willing to step out of your way for someone else. Now, I can…

…

I don’t feel like I can describe it entirely. Looking after people becomes... pleasant. Helping people, rewarding, in a strange way. I understand why Lena does it. Being able to make people happy is nice. Lovely, even. But she still pushes herself, and I need to make sure she takes breaks.

I was told that spiders felt no emotions, and their hearts never beat. Over the last few months, I have learned that it was situations around me, out of my control, that shaped the way I am. I still cannot accept it entirely, but I am getting there. I want to be good to Lena, and Reyes, and Sombra, and… anybody else I might meet. I want my own choice now. It is the one thing I have been consistently denied for most of my life.

I am changing. I have not wanted to accept it since the minute I was free. But without Talon, I am changing, and the only way I will stay the same is if I cling to it. I do not snap harshly into being either Widowmaker or Amélie any more. Often, I slide. I slip and slide around the middle, and sometimes I… _click_ one way or the other. Now, I feel more like Widowmaker. I still forget things, depending on how I feel, but I don't know if that dynamic will ever leave entirely. I love Amélie. She trusts Fatale. It is the way we... I am.

Gabriel, Sombra. I love you.

I wonder what the new year will hold.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year.


	69. Transcript 69

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1005 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

This is my 69th log.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	70. Transcript 70

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1722 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[LONG SILENCE.]

[SHE LICKS HER LIPS.]

I don't know if Sombra was involved in my reconditioning. I doubt it. I highly doubt it. But what with I don't know, I can never be sure. And that scares me.

I should ask her.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 


	71. Transcript 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1850 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I am absolutely drunk off my fucking ass. At least Lena is having a drink with me. Happy new year. I am going to provide a proper update when I’m not completely fucking smashed. I love you. Be safe drinkers. Don’t get too drunk. Drink lots of water.

…Camera. I love you camera. Yes. Just a camera. A – I’m going to close the camera now. Au revoir. Fuck I'm drunk.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	72. Transcript 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion of dissociation, mention of smoking.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0925 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Lena and I discussed dissociation. It… it feels familiar. Missing fragments. But whatever she knows as dissociation feels… different from what I feel. Maybe it is, and…

…

Being at Talon felt like floating. When I have cigarettes, it feels the same. Lena said that symptoms of dissociation include feeling floaty, slightly disconnected from your body, or feeling unreal. Among other things, including memory loss. I felt the first two a lot. I was a tool, and had to make sure this body could do its job. That was Talon. I will discuss this with her at a later date; I do not know anything about dissociation beyond what she discussed with me, and her context was mostly within the bounds of her experience in the Slipstream incident, and in relation to time. I would need to do a little more… _soul searching,_ before settling on a name for whatever it is I feel, but I would... not be surprised, if this is it, in some part.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	73. Transcript 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smoking, mention of drug use.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1651 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Reyes met up with Sombra and Morrison for the holiday season. They haven’t been staying together for long, only a couple of weeks, but their short meeting is apparently going very well. I don’t entirely know the state of their relationship, but I know they’re both very, very close to him.

I would also smoke with them, in the desert. Reyes and Sombra. Talon had multiple bases. About a half-dozen, says Reyes. I can’t remember too many of them, but I do remember smoking in the desert with my coworkers.

I usually had self-lighting vapor cigarettes. Tobacco was fun, when I could get it, but Talon wouldn’t let me dirty my body with about four thousand chemicals. They weren’t particularly fond of the idea of lung cancer in their precious sniper. Sombra, more likely than not, laced hers – tobacco, of course – with weed. Or she just had joints.

Reyes did not smoke much. I do remember another snapshot – we were sitting on the edge of the base roof, at midnight. The moon was close to full. Sombra had her joint, and was surprisingly chatty. Reyes was silent, hunched over himself. I had an e-cig.

I offered him a drag. He waved a negative, reconsidered, and took it slowly. He lifted his mask upwards, just enough to free his mouth. When he exhaled, it was through his nose, like a dragon, and crept out of the crevices around his eyes and jaw.

“Ooh, spooky,” said Sombra. She noticed, of course.

I think she left first, because we were not good company. Pensive, and quiet, and my humour was dry. I do remember him taking off his mask for a few minutes, to have one of my cigarettes himself. Maybe I kissed him. I can’t recall.

 

Mm...

 

I miss Talon.

 

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	74. Transcript 74

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0914 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I recently remembered another thing from Gibraltar.

Or… Maybe it was not Gibraltar. But I believe it was. There was a function. With wine, yes. I had had a little; _he_ liked red wine, but I am impartial to a good chardonnay. I had a red, because I was with him. He was being promoted to Commander. Lena – Lena…

I brought this up with her, earlier, because I wanted to recall it here. She told me that – and, somehow, after all this time, I did not know this – she was under his command. She answered to him.

[SHE SHUDDERS.]

She attended because of him.

She, again, managed to drag me away from him.

[PAUSE.]

Again, we went to her room. It was a miracle he didn’t notice me leave. Lena has the grace of a faerie.

We talked, just a little. Not much. I can’t remember any of it. Being with her… It felt… warm. I felt like a young girl again. Silly, and in love, though I did not recognise it at the time. I was too used to love being like _his_. I felt like a very young woman… a decade younger.

She was so bright, so happy… Her eyes sparkled…

We sat on the edge of her bed… We talked about… something. I can’t remember. I was focussing on her eyes. And her lips.

Looking back, I was definitely at least a _little_ tipsy.

She bit her lip. I started leaning in, I think. She almost said something, but…

We kissed, and it felt so natural, and so perfect. I forgot about everything else going on around me. It was just me, and Lena. Alone. Together. In our perfect little world, with the door locked.

I followed through, though, and pushed her backwards, onto the bed.

[SHE SMILES, SLOWLY, DEVILISHLY.]

She gasped, very softly. It was perfect. Her breath just barely hitched. I was so tuned in, so… _surrounded,_ by everything.

She told me, earlier, that my lips tasted like wine, and that I had my hand on her thigh.

…She very quickly moved away, though. She gasped, and spluttered, and apologised. Wiped her mouth and kept apologising. I hardly heard it. I felt so light and free. My head spun, and not just because of alcohol. I blinked at her a couple of times before replying. She jumped off the bed, and went to open the door for me, talking about how horrified she was that she’d kissed a married woman. We made it back to the party without being noticed, despite her being stiff as a board and visibly nervous, but I felt warm. Her cheeks were flushed. Everything in my body tingled, and itched, and ached for her.

I know I’m going to regret every word of this when I see it next, but I have to say it like this. I have to capture how I felt. Because I could feel. I need an… objective reminder, for when it’s gone. When I remember things clearly, I want it recorded.

I thought about her for weeks after that.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	75. Transcript 75

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0741 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I feel deeply afraid. After making that last log – I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what he would think. Present tense. I am afraid he will find out, somehow, like he always does – did – and… reprimand me. Punish, maybe. He never hit me, no, but just being in his presence was… Just…

It was a consistent nightmare. Anything could have made him angry. He would treat me, and lavish me with attention, and then we would work. Talon things. Always right after he’d been nice. Probably so I was more eager to help. He prided me in being able to help – in the work, he treated me fairly equally. It was… [WAVES HAND.] He would take my opinions. Criticise them heavily, yes, but… well. It felt like I was contributing. I think I did, a couple of times. But between those times…

It was easy, far too easy, to say the wrong thing. If not anger, then I would be met with disapproval. It was not… difficult to take. But it stacked up, I think. It was constant. A handful of minor things is not bad. But when they happen constantly, it’s… It adds up. It becomes unfathomable, and overwhelming. You have to adapt. It becomes normal.

I think that’s what I hate most about it. I feel anger, sometimes. Towards him. But he _was_ nice. He needed me around. He needed me to be near him. He loved me, maybe. I like to think that he loved me. It makes it easier to handle the fear.

It was so much. Being with Lena was… so… different. I have probably said it already. A completely different dynamic. I started becoming afraid, and adapting, because I was expecting her to change in the same ways he would change. But she never did. She continued being sunny, and asking me what I wanted when I was sure she shouldn’t have, and telling me she loved me when she should have gotten upset. And she was gentle, always. Happy and loving and gentle.

We did not meet much, at Gibraltar. Not much, or often, and usually in very short conversations and passing comments. Smiles across a room. She would never approach me when he was focussed on me. I saw her training with her gorilla friend Winston, once, and she managed to send me a smile and a wave, despite being two or three stories above her, and I could only laugh behind my hand. _He_ bundled me away quickly enough.

I… In some ways, I miss Gibraltar. It was easier, simpler, there.

…I think that’s enough.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No jokes about Morrison here.
> 
> Thank you for the comments; I read them all, even if I don't know how to reply.


	76. Transcript 76

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1046 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Speaking from memory is… interesting.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	77. Transcript 77

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0924 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Watching Lena on stakeouts was always so rewarding.

I cannot remember if I have described her apartment, so I will do it again. The apartment was tiny, on the third floor, overlooking a thin and narrow alley of a street, which was filthy, and full of trash.

On the left side, looking in, was the living room. I could see a table, with three chairs, and a couch by the window, and another by the wall. She had a TV. The floor was off-white linoleum.

Beyond the living room, was the kitchen. It was cordoned off by a dark blue counter but opened to the living room, and connected to a short hallway that led to the front door. The floor was tiled. The bathroom was on the right, beyond the living room, opposite the kitchen. On the same side as the bathroom was the bedroom. It had folding doors to separate it from the living room, but she never closed them.

The bedroom had a queen sized bed with two dressing tables on either side, and on either table, was a digital clock, in twenty-four hour time. The duvet was patterned dark green, with white sheets. The closet doors were painted white and had round knob handles, and swung outwards. She couldn’t open the last one because the bedside table was in the way. I think she uses it for storage. I would not be surprised if she kept part of Widow’s Kiss in there now. The floor was carpeted dark blue.

I watched her eat. I watched her sleep. I watched her touch herself at night, if she was alone, and if I cared, I did not show it. I learned the times she left the house and came home in the evenings. I did not mention Emily to Talon. It would only hurt them both. I watched, from afar, and I learned. I had to report on Lena. I could not protect her any other way.

It is a self-contradicting statement, I know. A paradox. But it was the best I could do.

Stakeouts became my private heaven. I did not get cold, but I would sit, and watch. Even in the rain. I sat next to an air conditioning vent, warm and steaming, rain or shine, and watched Lena’s life. Missions became addicting, though I did not recognise it at the time. It was a chance to get closer to her. My concentration was feverish. I cannot remember what I did when she would not move. It’s almost like I did not register memories at all. Like I… mm. I cannot think of a word.

My finger was always behind the trigger.

Nobody looked up.

It was just… me…

[SILENCE.]

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a fun fact... If I had posted this description long before Reflections, like I intended, not a word would be different.


	78. Transcript 78

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1247 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I’ve been spending a few weeks to reevaluate my relationship with Lena. Before, we could only meet under very strict, demanding, and unnatural circumstances. Now, I have all the time in the world to be with her, and grow with her.

And, due to the changes, I have stopped making so many logs. It’s easier to speak when everything is laid out, afterwards.

I have said, previously, that being in a relationship with her is very different to being with _him_. She is open, and honest, and speaks her mind.

…

She told me that she has not been especially forthcoming. She admitted to… negative thoughts, and all-or-nothing thinking. I don’t want to say particularly much about her. It’s not my place to lay her bare. But she has picked up on things about herself that I could not, and vowed to improve them.

It’s a damn sight more than I expected from her. From anyone. It feels so strange. She… she says it’s an important part of a healthy relationship. Oh, I understand her. But it’s not what I’m used to. People saying that they have hurt _me?_ What am I hearing. Lies, surely.

Ahh, I love her so.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	79. Transcript 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1416 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

…I want to talk about Emily.

I want to say nice things about her. I want to say that we are living together, that we are happy, that she is in good health. I’ve wanted to talk about her for a while now.

But I can’t.

Because Lena’s apartment was robbed while she was out doing groceries, once, and the robber had a gun, and Emily was alone.

I never knew her. I barely even saw her. But I did notice Lena stay inside and sleep a lot more often, suddenly. A month ago, she told me why.

Maybe in another timeline she is with us. I make them both omelettes, maybe, and we have tea, and I kiss Lena on the lips, and I kiss Emily on the cheek, and they go about their days. We come home in the evening, and watch movies, and Lena hogs the blankets, and cuddles her, and I silently throw popcorn at them until they shift around and it crunches under their elbows and gets in the couch. I wish that were true.

But it’s not. And I’m sorry.

Neither of them deserved it, but I cannot bring back the dead.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a much kinder fic about Emily, I recommend Better Angels of Our Natures by bzarcher. http://archiveofourown.org/works/9289181


	80. Transcript 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four updates today. Read from 78.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1546 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

The… I… Reconditioning was strange. When I was well-established in my role as the Widowmaker, it felt natural. I have said they used impulses identical to my brain’s to form habits. Sometimes, they felt like intrusive thoughts. More often, it felt like a new idea. _Oh, yes, that sounds wonderful._ And then my mind would spiral over all the different ways that idea could integrate into my routine and my habits, and it would cement over a hundred and a thousand different little thoughts and associations, and feeling either good or bad, and wanting to obey, and do what I was told. Over and over. Constantly. For hours at a time.

You have no idea how many unrelated thoughts your brain can handle in a second until it’s forced to.

More than you can imagine.

Honestly, it was just an advanced form of hypnotism, but one I could not have resisted even if I’d wanted to.

…

I’m sure they did regular hypnotic persuasion too. Voices when my eyes were covered. All my senses muffled, sensory deprivation, except for hearing. Probably while I was neck deep in the reconditioning process, but maybe afterwards. I think I recall a sensory deprivation tank, but when my mind was that far out of my own reach, I cannot truly be sure if I am remembering correctly or grasping at straws. I do not want to… invent false memories.

The point is. I daydream about it. I _fantasise_ about it, whether I want to or not. I don’t think it’s ever going to leave me alone.

But ahh, that is one of the effects of trauma, non?

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	81. Transcript 81

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1136 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I joined a secure chat room with Reyes and Sombra and, honestly, it was the best chat of my fucking life.

I missed them so much.

We talked about fond memories, about dramatic shit, and about gay shit.

And then I caught up with Sombra. We discussed a… certain brand of memories. Let’s say my hypersexual mind was well occupied.

Mmm…

In general… She would not be on base much, no. She stayed on her own. Reyes had more freedom than I, and she had more freedom than both of us. She was hired when necessary, to augment missions, or infiltrate. She generally only responded to very, very high pay, but Talon considered her invaluable. She tied them up with more complex terms and conditions than they could keep up with, and I’m sure she hacked her information out of their databases if they tried to keep a handle on her.

She loved stringing people along. Clues, riddles, hints. Toying with people, and information was her greatest tool. In so few words, and as she says, "They who have the information, have the power". It was true. It _is_ true.

I’m… Only now, as I type this, I realise how true it is. The _extent_ of it. She kept herself safe by withholding information. She kept people under her control by withholding information… or gifting it. She kept an upper hand over Talon by withholding and giving information they needed as she saw fit. She kept mine and Reyes’ trust by letting us roam free and keeping us safe from threats she could see by virtue of being outside and above Talon.

And… And the jailbreak.

I nearly said "and the breakout", but it was our escape, not a fresh wave of acne. I still hate English.

She was a watchful trickster guardian.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	82. Transcript 82

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1915 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I stayed in the chat room. It’s the best decision I’ve made all year.

But not the best decision I’ve made in the _past_ year.

…I’m leading up to that. I’ll get there.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	83. Transcript 83

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1924 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Amélie is a presence in the back of my mind.

I feel her, most days. She is in control more and more often though. I feel weak. I hate what Talon did to her, but it’s because of that, that I exist at all.

…

What am – Ahem. Before I go into the _drippingly_ melodramatic conundrum of “what am I”, I know the answer is simple. I am a monster. A tool. A weapon. The same as it always has been. But… In another sense…

Who am I, in comparison to her. _What am I._

Am I a ghost. A flat plane, a separate channel of our shared mind. Vicious and fluid. And _weak_ , now. But I protect… her. I protect Lena. I protect… those closest to me.

I think, despite what Talon intended, I am a protective force. Perhaps I have evolved into that, outside their influence. Perhaps I was always a protective force, that answered to and protected the highest form of authority – Talon. Without Talon, who do I protect? Who is in control?

Lena. Amélie.

I think, I think I protect them, and what they hold dear. Amélie also meaning myself – despite myself, I have formed attachments. Reyes and Sombra, for one.

…

I want to keep going, but my mind is wandering. I can’t continue this particular topic now.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	84. Transcript 84

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1943 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

 

 

[A. LACROIX RESTS HER CHIN IN HER HAND. SHE WATCHES THE CAMERA. SQUINTS. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.]

 

 

What…

…

If you could reply, _ma_ _caméra_ , what would you say? I have told you so much.

 

[MORE SILENCE.]

 

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	85. Transcript 85

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0918 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Last night I had a… situation.

Out of curiosity, and… no small degree of desperation, I looked up audio hypnotism. It did little to nothing. But there was a vivid memory, afterwards, that snapped me back into my… _usual_ mindset.

I’d forgotten how secretive I got. Covering my tracks. Deleting messages. Pestering _Reaper_ because I needed to get back to a Talon base. He was asleep, though, so my efforts were in vain.

Lena was not asleep.

…

She made it very clear that she did not like it when I called her foolish. Even if she was being foolish.

…

She cried.

I returned to this mindset after every mission, no matter what she or others may have done or told me while they could see me. An ouroboros. She never reacted before, not that I knew of. At the time, last night, I couldn’t understand why she was so upset.

I suppose now is a different time. She is allowed to cry. I am still the junction of all parts of myself. I am still Widowmaker; I felt nothing except an awkward, uncomfortable, and unpleasant, _jarring_ sensation in my chest that I wanted to quash as soon as possible.

She still says she loves me no matter what.

…She thought I’d forgotten her.

It’s impossible for me to truly forget. At Talon, they would wipe – lock away – any irrelevant memories with every conditioning session. I have not been at Talon for months on end. Nearly a year now. This was the closest I’ve ever been to… how it was before. I have not forgotten. My memories are only ever locked away, and the only key is time.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	86. Transcript 86

 

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0953 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Lena is not foolish.

Time and time again she has assured me. Insisted, actually. She’s stubborn. So stubborn. There’s really nothing I can do to stop her, if she has the will. If she has the will, she automatically has the way, even against me.

She…

Mm.

I asked her about her past.

I will not lay her bare. I still refuse to do that. It’s not my place. But, perhaps, I will give details.

…

 _He_ pushed the project forwards early. She was expendable, and he was full of spite.

After her accident, I yelled at him. He hit me. Two or three weeks later, I signed my soul away.

Winston combed the beach every day. Five months later, the ocean carried her to the shore. He thought she was more scrap. She was not.

The room she was contained in did not cure her condition. It only kept her within that room, within that time.

She saw more in the Slipstream than I could hope to comprehend.

Her body rejected the implant, at first. Angela Zeigler bundled her back into the operating room, horrified at the bleeding from her chest. “But I feel fine!”, Lena exclaimed. “You’re on morphine,” said Angela. “Oh,” said Lena.

Her chest is a mess of scar tissue, but it worked.

The unit attached to her spine provides the power, and the one in her chest does the work.

It uses her life force.

When she has to blink a lot, she gets slower, then tired, and then she has to run. I can only assume she runs on pure adrenaline instead of food at that point.

The first time she tried showing off to Winston she forgot she was moving sideways instead of forwards and her momentum carried her into a pile of boxes.

If she fell asleep in the lab, Winston would put her on his back, with her arms around his neck, and go about his business.

She first rewound in her sleep, during nightmares.

As soon as Overwatch realised her new abilities could be _useful_ , she went from being an expendable pilot to an objectified mascot with only a few weeks’ reprieve in between.

I noticed every single time she slowed down during a fight, and kept firing at a target that wasn’t there. I could have dumped clips, but I was conditioned to shoot. So I dumped clips by firing.

…

She is always, always, stubborn and pushy, and gentle and soft. I wouldn’t have her any other way.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	87. Transcript 87

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1157 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

…

You know… There’s actually no way of knowing who might see these in the future. For now, they are private, yes. But I have no way of knowing who will see them, and, ultimately, no way of controlling it either… Whether through my own actions, or perhaps serendipity. Eyes on me. Open and bare.

Maybe this is how Lena felt.

[END TRANSCRIPT.]


	88. Transcript 88

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0259 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

It is three am, and I am weak.

I took control, for the first time in a long time, but Amélie is so… large. She has taken parts of me and assimilated them back into herself. I’m afraid. I’m fading. What is there to be?? I am made to be in control, and I can’t even do that. I am feeling _panic_ at this. The very fact that I am feeling anything at all is worrying. Extremely so.

I don’t want to feel. I want to go back to Talon. And mental self-flagellation only gets you so far.

She is healing. I don’t want to die.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	89. Transcript 89

[RECORDING STARTED AT 0136 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Amélie, at her core, was a gentle woman. Kind, and patient. She wanted to protect other people. She saw, in her husband, all the things she wanted the world to be. He was so strong, and hardworking, and… determined, she thought. Unyielding.

She did not see any red flags, because she was wearing rose-coloured lenses. They just looked like flags.

…Now, lest I start talking about him.

She was a modest woman. She dressed nicely, but did not like to show off. She did start wearing dramatic dresses at formals and functions, though…

…

Who am I kidding. He was so tied up in her life, he changed her from the inside out.

She started wearing low-cut dresses at functions, so she could distract whoever he was talking to, so he could _convice_ them better. It worked, of course. She would look sweet, and maybe flutter her eyelashes, and they would falter, and he would press harder with a different request. They, overwhelmed by information and things to keep track of, would eventually find it much easier to agree with whatever he was saying.

She enjoyed the attention. It was probably some of the only positive attention she received.

She… I… met Reyes, once, I think. He has told me that he worried about her. He didn’t trust my _husband_ , he never did, but he has… expressed regret, to me, that he did not step in. He hated knowing what they turned me into. And that he could have prevented it, even slightly.

I wish he could have too, but that is not the way the world worked out for us.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	90. Transcript 90

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1519 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I finally understand what that Temperance card meant.

...

When I got a tarot reading, five months ago.

What it truly means is for me alone, I think, but I know it means... reconciling my past, with who I am now. With what I could be in the future.

...

I've been stalling. I need to tell my story, not elaborate on the present.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	91. Transcript 91

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1850 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

My memories have been coming in snippets. Out of order, vague, sometimes half-remembered, snippets. I’ve needed to start writing in an organised manner to take note of them properly, and keep my story…. Coherent. Especially now. It’s crucial. I stalled, at first, because I was afraid, but after time, I needed the structure.

I started writing scripts in a word processor. Typing them up has lent me… a greater degree of organisation, clarity, and direction, as opposed to rambling without a purpose, the first things to enter my head. These final details are precise, quite frankly beyond words, and English is not my forte.

And, well… You know how much I adore precision.

[SHE SMILES.]

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to pick up the pace.


	92. Transcript 92

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1541 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

There is… a reason, Talon did not put me under and take Lena out themselves. I believe, at some point, that they had figured out, or perhaps guessed, that I was refusing to kill Lena. They had been gathering information on her from plants in Overwatch for months, perhaps years. They had to know her limits. I’ve half a mind they recorded footage using my visor, though of course, I can never be sure.

But I am sure they knew about my stalling. It would have become a delicate point for them.

Because they knew I could resist my conditioning.

And if I would not kill her, and they knew I would not kill her after so long and after so much conditioning, and if they addressed it, I might lash out, because my loyalty to her apparently overrode my loyalty to Talon.

…In reality, my loyalty was to Amélie, who loved Lena. I do not think they considered or discovered that, or thought it was relevant.

Oh, believe me, they tried to worm through my mind and find the reason. They always combed what they had placed and made, checking and fine-tuning. But they rarely, as far as I can feel, combed through Amélie. They left the wall between me and her, once it was stable, and made sure I did my job. Another marker that their work was, at its core, sloppy. I was a smug jenga tower of haphazard scientific experimentation, patched and repaired and fine-tuned.

Which is why, I think, Sombra and Reyes could set up their plans in secrecy.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	93. Transcript 93

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1009 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Sombra did not like talking with me.

I was broken. Reyes was not as broken.

Sombra found it fun, picking at him. She would mess with his nanomachines. She would, often, make them vibrate at certain speeds, so he became a walking speaker. Playing music, and messages just for his ears. Reyes told me that they would talk… More accurately, she would talk, and he could only listen. He had no way of communicating back. She would tell him how to be safe, or how to twist a situation to his advantage.

She talked in his head. He says it was terrifying.

They, together, engaged in conversations and activities I cannot comprehend or begin to name. It is their secrets.

She and I would talk, occasionally. When she was in the mood for bluntness, and not wordplay. Which was rarely.

I cannot talk about her as much as the others, because we were not as involved. It is one of my greatest regrets.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	94. Transcript 94

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1506 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

She got to me through Widow’s Kiss.

I hated being in my room. I would, usually, sit in the halls while I dismantled and categorised her. Running my fingers over every nut and washer. It was a meditative process, and very trance-like.

Some of the conversations I had with her were sweet. If she was high, she was clingy and adoring. Sometimes, she would listen as I talked about my Kiss. Sometimes, she would distract me, and steal crucial screws and parts that were laid out in the hallway.

One time, she hid my Kiss’ parts all over the base, and I would not stop looking for them for _hours_.

[SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY.]

…

I miss her. I hope she is doing well. I don’t know where she could be, or what she is doing. I haven’t checked on her in a while.

Still, I have not talked with her much.

…

Life goes on.

…

[END TRANSCRIPT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated note: I can't talk about Akande in this universe. I was too slow. He doesn't fit. This work is now, in my mind, officially regulated to an AU. I just want to finish it, now. Writing something jarringly AU instead of plausibly canon makes me feel uncomfortable, but I will not try to shoehorn him into this situation. I will not disrespect his character.


	95. Transcript 95

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1726 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Talon was afraid of me because of what I could do. They had created the world’s most perfect assassin, honed to perfection beyond a razor’s edge, and I was kept on a frayed leash. The control they had over me was dubious at best, when you looked beyond the brainwashing.

Talon _despised_ Sombra. They made it clear, in the way they made her work with us. She was support and backup, or she had a job different to what we were doing, or she was augmenting what we were doing. Rarely, if ever, were we directly involved with one another in the field, as equals.

They were afraid of Reyes and his willpower. They kept him close through drugged medication, as I have stated.

…

Fuck scripts.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	96. Transcript 96

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1618 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

…I need to read this one.

…

Reyes had an interest in teaching himself French at Talon. Our most prized possessions were four or five old French books, tattered at the spines, with fluffy, yellowed, dog-eared pages.

The first time he told me that he wanted to learn French, I scoffed. He pressed me for details, and on one of our outings, we visited a second hand store, or an old bookshop.

Soft murmuring in the darkness, careful accents and slow pronunciation. He would turn the pages reverently.

Reyes always held that he could help me break reconditioning.

Sombra snuck me medication to counteract what Talon was putting into me. Reyes would tell me to take it with food. Slowly, my heart rate would change, and pump faster. The first few times, I felt nauseous. Later, I felt nothing, except unease with the pumping in my chest. It was by no means close to a healthy human heartbeat, but it was better.

…

Reciting a months-old script feels unnatural.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	97. Transcript 97

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1628 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

When it was time to escape,

…

[SHE FALTERS. FIDGETS.]

I don’t know.

I’ve wanted to talk about this since day one. I wanted to weave a perfect _web_ of information. A wandering story that led to a point.

It’s been so long, now.

The amnesia has claimed some details.

…Dissociative amnesia.

 _Fatale_ may remember it, but she is not around right now.

I flicker between being a charismatic, loving person and being a soft, needy woman, these days. She lurks. She is a protective force, yes, but she is a possessive force. A dominant force. A needy force who does not like being told she is unneeded.

She is afraid of death, yes. I like to think I know her better than that.

But her possessiveness is becoming a curse. We are no longer in Talon. She does not _need_ to draw upon her apathy, her clinging, her… _virulent_ ways, that’s a good word, to survive. She is… suffering, in a way. It’s what she was made for, so she thinks she is useless.

I know she can change, but I do not know how she can change.

I believe in her. I believe she can. I know… I like to think I know her better than anyone.

It has been over a year since we escaped Talon. We have seen a… psychologist, though I do not want to talk about it, as its effects have been mixed. Small answers. Lots of uncertainty.

…

I will see if she wants to talk. To weave her story.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	98. Transcript 98

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2336 HOURS]

[IT IS DARK. NO LIGHTS ARE ON, BUT THE BLINDS ARE OPEN. A. LACROIX SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. HER HAIR IS UP. SHE SPEAKS SLOWLY.]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT.]

Killing them… happened in a rush.

It was weeks before Reyes’ storytelling snapped me out of my trance properly. When all the information they had told me, repeatedly, I could finally access. When the plan was clear.

Sombra would shut off Talon’s control over the security cameras. Feed a loop into the system after shutting them down entirely, except for a select few so she could watch us. She was doing her work from afar, and we were alone.

She had hidden a special USB and two clips for my Kiss in an air vent a few hallways outside my room. In our usual meeting area: one of the only blind spots in the whole complex.

Reyes had been saving his energy. He was reading to me, slowly, the same small phrases, gently. A hand on my knee when I swayed or zoned out. He was patient.

It felt like blinking, I blinked. I breathed. My eyes focussed. I remembered everything. I saw him, I saw his mask.

I knew. He knew.

That’s when it became fast.

I collected my treasure from the airvent. He readied some shotguns.

And we stormed Talon.

He went for the security first. He cleared the path ahead of me. I weaved around him as he emptied shots point blank into shocked faces; those who dared sneak around corners found a hole in their throats. The hallways became a blur of red and grey. Sombra had disabled the alarm systems and watched us with the cameras. It was word of mouth, and whoever escaped would sound the alarm. We moved fast.

Talon had, after all, perfected living weapons.

At some point, Reyes told me to _go_. When I looked, he was surrounded.            

I grappled behind a bench as he _cleared the area_. Watching him do that was _always_ entertaining, even if nobody had any real time to scream.

We had to part ways, then. He was making a distraction. I didn’t see him til later.

Running, firing, became a blur again. My Kiss felt fiery hot in my hands. Sombra had hidden more clips en route for me, lovingly labelled with little notes. I nearly laughed when I first saw one, but I wasn’t carrying my gear. It was all I had. Reyes had the advantage of ammo wherever he killed, so he was to kill as many of our superiors as possible without sounding the alarm. I had a special job.

The first office I burst into was the easiest. The man there was… something like a controller of mine. He was shocked to see me all covered in blood, laboured breathing, focussed eyes, and smoking gun. At the time, I did not notice any of that. All I saw was the target.

He looked so afraid.

He didn’t even have time to stutter.

I went through his room and into another hall. It was so quiet. The base was disgustingly maze-like. Sombra had given us a map to memorize. I think I may have crawled through an air vent briefly.

The second room, my final destination, was locked. I was worried the controller had set off an alarm before he died. Or maybe this second man was always like that.

Sombra was a minute late. I think she was helping Reyes.

Someone walked around the corner. I snapped his neck.

I waited. Sombra did not come.

I fired a single shot into the lock… and Sombra opened the door. I remember _tsk_ ing at the inconvenient timing.

And there he was. The final stop.

…

I faltered.

…

I…

[HER EYES UNFOCUS. SHE SWAYS SUBTLY. LASTS SEVERAL MINUTES.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[EVENTUALLY, SHE BLINKS, AS IF WAKING UP.]

 

…

 

It felt… like a failsafe.

Like – like I could not kill him. Like being in his presence drained me.

He watched me. It was only for a moment. He said, “What,” and then my body moved.

[SHE BLINKS. GAZE BECOMES SHARP. STARES AT THE CAMERA.]

Thank god for muscle memory.

I killed him. He _crumpled_. It was surprisingly anticlimactic.

Maybe he would have drilled me on something had I stayed still. Questioned me. Asked what I was doing outside my designated routine. But it was not to be; I moved too fast.

I dragged his body aside, and retrieved the USB Sombra had given me. It contained a very special, _very_ strong virus of hers. His computer immediately established a highly secure link to her, and began accessing, compiling, and sending every important file in Talon’s databases to her remote location and wiping their servers. She, later, sent us all information Talon had amassed about ourselves.

But I was still in the room.

The virus was in the system. She would not fail. There was no need for me to stay.

Reyes was supposed to meet me at the hangar, and I was on my own, and if they took me back for reconditioning, I was fucked.

So I took the USB and ran.

…

I can’t remember how I got to the hangar.

But I made it.

Everywhere I looked, there were bodies. I’m sure someone in this Talon base was still alive, but we were thorough. He was thorough.

Reyes and I boarded one of the jump jets, and I plugged the usb into the ship. It, again, worked as quickly as if she were here herself. It overrode the security, and we got out without an ID card.

…

 

[SHE INHALES, SLOWLY, AND SIGHS.]

 

It… God.

We were free.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	99. Transcript 99

[RECORDING STARTED AT 1624 HOURS]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

I left my storytelling on an empty note, didn’t I…?

Well…

When we were in the jet… everything sunk in. I started realising what we’d done.

There was no joy. There was no celebrating. We were just tired.

The jet was empty without Talon grunts behind us or music playing through the speakers. Reyes piloted the ship in silence.

“Where do you want to go,” he asked me.

“King’s Row,” I said.

He nodded. The ship turned.

We flew in silence. Sombra probably talked to him, in the jet. I sat there, feeling ill. I was not used to physical activity with a beating heart. I may have dozed off.

He dropped me silently a couple of blocks away from her. We did not say goodbye. He had other places to go.

I grappled onto her balcony.

Dragged my feet.

And slammed my bloodied hand on the glass.

I noticed my breathing, then. It was ragged. I found myself leaning on the glass, my visor against the door. My hair was stringy and covered in blood.

Honestly, all of me was covered in blood.

I heard her footsteps before I saw her. She yelped something, and slid open the door. I staggered in. She said something, then trailed into silence from where she stood on my left.

I dropped my visor on the floor. I walked around her.

My feet dragged.

I dropped my grappling gear.

I dropped my gun.

I leant on the hallway wall, and painstakingly removed my boots. Lena hovered, obviously fretting, but unsure what to do. I looked into her bathroom. The tub was on the left, the toilet opposite. The sink was against the right wall. Towels were next to the toilet and sink.

I can’t remember if I started the water or she did. I just… sat in the tub. Tried to remove my jumpsuit with slow, shaky hands. I could feel myself shaking, and breathing. My heartbeat was irregular.

The water was hot. My hair was stringy. I was covered in blood. I smelled like death.

I was aware of her watching me, but I did nothing to acknowledge it. I was more aware of feeling my hands on my arms, and the trembling, and the smell of blood and sweat lifted by steam.

She eventually turned the water off. I felt, heard, her climb into the tub behind me. Slowly. Tentatively. She was still wearing her shorts and t-shirt.

She helped me peel off my jumpsuit. She used a cloth, I think, I think I felt a cloth.

It was warm, gentle. Reassuring.

She told me, later, that I was crying silently. I was not aware of it. I was not using my eyes.

…She was so gentle. She washed my hair, and I’d never felt such a gentle touch in my life. It was like being in a trance.

It was a long time before the water went cold. I want to think I leant back on her, but I do not remember.

Eventually, she got out. She got me clothes. She showered herself. And I went to bed.

In the future, we would talk. But it would be a few days before she asked me what happened, and she never pried. She always let me talk on my own terms. A few days before we sat on the couch together, I with a warm cup of lemon tea, and she sitting, just next to me, on my left.

She gave me patience. She gave me kindness. Even after everything, she let me... breathe.

If only I could learn to love like her…

…

I think I’m ready now.

[END TRANSCRIPT]


	100. Transcript 100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is: The first fanfiction I ever completed.

[RECORDING STARTED AT 2005 HOURS]

[SHE IS HOLDING THE CAMERA, IN THE DARK.]

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

It’s now been… a year, since Lena and I started talking. When we sat together on her balcony, and talked. When I had enough distance from Talon to slowly, slowly open up about my past, when Fatale began to unclench the rigid grip she had on our functioning.

You will have to forgive my quietness; Lena is asleep.

It has been over a year since I escaped Talon, God – How much has changed. How much-! I cannot _begin_ to describe it. I can’t begin to describe how much I have changed, how much I have, I’ve become stronger – [SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY] – so strong. I have become _strong_ in my gentleness. I am allowed to be gentle, Fatale is allowed to let go.

And oh… God. She is learning to let go. She has started, inch by painful inch, to learn how to unclench that horrible need for control that they drilled into her. While she was more… active… at the start of these videos, [SHE PATS THE CAMERA SOFTLY AND FONDLY], I have taken the reins a little more as of late.

Or maybe it was both of us.

…The point is, I have had the benefit of time. She has just begun to learn.

God, how I wish I could know how she will learn. I want to see her grow! She has protected me all this time. She has protected me in the ways she… thought was right, maybe… and perhaps not always, perhaps some of it was misguided, okay. Okay, I - Shoo, I know! – Okay, [SHE LAUGHS] okay, _fine_ , perhaps you were _very_ misguided. Leave me alone, I am trying to record a piece. You will have your turn, shut up.

Like I said! Like I said. She is learning. She –

[VOICE HITCHES SUDDENLY. SOUND OF CAMERA DROPPING. SILENCE.]

[BREATHING GRADUALLY DEEPENS. AN INHALE, THEN A SIGH. SOUND OF CAMERA BEING RETRIEVED.]

…

Like she said.

I am learning.

Lena… I am giving her space. It has been a long year for the both of us.

I have not been kind to Amélie. I have been _horrible_ to her. I was horribly misguided, and while I did and have protected her, it was… in a way that would have helped us survive living in Talon. In that fucked up place. Outside, here, it has – it has been brought to my attention that it is causing problems.

That _I am_ causing problems.

God, I’ve hurt her-!! I can’t go into details now. I don’t want to. I have _used_ her trust. I can feel her, shying away, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge that I hurt her so. So many people in her life, our life, have used her – us. Us.

I will NOT let myself be one of them.

…

I want to learn. It feels like someone telling me that the earth is the sky and the sky is the earth, but I need to change. That will be my challenge. I will make the sky my earth. I will unlearn what Talon taught me.

…

But it will take time.

…

I have spoken enough. I will let Amélie speak.

[CAMERA IS SET DOWN. SLOW EXHALE. SILENCE.]

[EVENTUALLY: A LONG, SLOW INHALE, AND A SOFT HUM.]

[BLEARILY.] Where am I? Oh. Ah, yes. She… Fatale said her piece.

…

I still feel amnesia. She is secretive, and I will not properly know what she has said until I watch this footage again. I know she is ashamed, but I know she will let me see what she has to say, later.

God… So much has happened.

So much has changed.

…

It really _has_ been a year since we started.

[LAUGHS.]

I don’t know what to say! I don’t know what more to say. I think a hundred videos is enough. More than enough! God. Imagine, imagine how much we’ve changed. I haven’t watched them in a while. They are windows into a past which damaged us in a way we can never recover… and… maybe… we found a little of what we were looking for when we started. We found enough.

But I think, despite everything, that the future’s in our hands.

[SHE SMILES, IN THE DARK.]

I can’t _wait_ to see how much farther we can grow.

[END TRANSCRIPT.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming on this journey with me.


End file.
